His Needs, Her Needs,
Our Needs
[This is the fourth transcript of an eight sermon
tape series titled "Love For A Lifetime" given by Pastor
David T. Moore of
"Falling
in love is such a funny thing, it's really difficult to describe. You may remember or you may have been asked
at one time or another somewhere in a conversation where someone
finally asked that very difficult question, "How do you know
when you're in love?" "How do you know when
this is the right person?" And the number one answer is: "You just
know." That's the most
ridiculous answer in the world, isn't it?--"You just know." I remember asking Mom and Dad, "How do
you know this is the right person to spend your life with?" "You just know." Now others have asked me, "How do you know
this is the person...?" "You
just know." It's a real
difficult thing to describe what falling in love is all about. How many of you believe in love at first sight? Let's find out. Raise your hands if you believe that. This is not a trick question. It's O.K. Do
you know that 40 percent of Americans believe in love at first sight
as an absolute issue. And another twenty eight percent believe that it probably
happens. That means that 68 percent or 7 out of
Now
while some believe in love at first sight, I believe in taking a
second look. How about you? And a second look is certainly worthwhile. You know there's nothing really remarkable about love at
first sight. It's people
who can look at each other year after year after year and still
love each other, now that's remarkable. Love at first sight can't possibly be anything other than
puppy-love, and everybody knows that puppy-love leads to what?--a
dog's life. Everybody knows that. And others talk about love being blind. And that may be true, but many times that blind
love enters into marriage, and marriage is the great eye-opener. Somebody said to me last week as we left, they
said, "You know, marriage is an institution, and love is blind,
so marriage must be an institution for the blind." Maybe some truth to that too.
Do you see, the issue is that nobody
marries to be miserable. Everybody starts out with stars in their eyes
and hopes and dreams this is going to be perfect. But sooner or later the hopes begin to wobble
and the dreams begin to die. And
we begin to wonder if we were really ever in love in the first place
or not. That's what this series has been all about,
"Love For A Lifetime." Love does not have to grow shallow and thin
and die. It doesn't have
to do that. Norm Crosby has
a great definition of love. Norm
said this, "Teenagers don't know what love is. They have mixed up ideas. They go for a drive, boy runs out of gas, they smooch a little,
and the girl says she loves him. That isn't love. Love is when you've been married twenty-five
years, you're smooching in your living room, he runs out of gas,
and she still loves him anyway. That's love!" You
know there was a recent Time magazine article that talked about
love and the basic thesis of this article was that "Love was
a chemical reaction." This article described the fact that 'love is
cooked up in the chemical laboratory of your brain.' And that 'love is literally something that you
fall into and fall out of as a chemical reaction to the hormones
flowing through your body. "And
at best" this article said, "it lasts only two years." Well I don't know if that's true or not, it's
funny how scientists try to put things like love in a laboratory. That doesn't always work too well. But I do believe that a successful marriage
requires "falling in love with the same person over and over
and over again." The
question is, "Is that possible?" And if so, how can it be done? Well that's the focus of this session and our next session together. We've said so far, basically, if I can sum up four weeks
in three sentences, we've said, "If love is to last a lifetime, it must
be other-centered. If you're going into a relationship self-centered--meet
my needs, take care of me--love will die, I can promise you that. We saw also from Ephesians 5, love must be mutually
submissive--two people coming to one another, to meet one another's
needs, mutually submissive to each other. Leaving last week another person said, "You know, the
husband is the head of the home." And I said, "Well, that's what the Bible says. And then the wife said, "And yeah, the wife is the neck
and the husband's going nowhere without the neck." (And there's probably good balance there.) Mutually submissive, and then the third, that we must respect one another. In 1 Peter 3:7 it says, "Husbands
in the same way be considerate with your wife as you live with her,
and treat her with respect." In Ephesians 5:33 it says, "Wives must respect their
husbands." And this
concept of mutual respect is absolutely essential if love is to
continue to grow. But what of the things that
we're to respect? Well
that's what we talk about this week and next--the things that we
absolutely must respect.
The first thing that we really must respect
is, we both should respect our mutual needs. There are your needs, there are my needs, there are our needs. And this must be
respected. And so the first
place to start in terms of respecting one another is to respect
our mutual needs.
1. Now the first mutual need that we have--is
we need spiritual fulfillment. That is a necessary element and ingredient of
your life. I'll tell you
why. We are three-dimensional beings. You're made up of a body, soul and spirit. You see we are spiritual beings living in physical bodies,
and God intended us to become one together. That's what the book of Genesis says, that's
what Jesus Christ said, "Man shall leave his father and mother,
cleave to his wife, and they shall become one." That's his intention. We've
said that we are relational beings and that relationships are really
the only things that fulfill us. And so God intended us to enter into one relationship where
we would experience a oneness. And
true oneness requires the bonding of all three aspects of your being. It requires the bonding of your bodies, the bonding of your
souls, and the bonding of your spirits. You
see the bonding of your
body occurs in marriage through physical touching and sex. The bonding of your souls occurs through emotional and relational
experiences and interaction [which this study is about]. And the
bonding of your spirits comes only through a shared faith in spiritual
experiences. And the unfortunate thing is that many people
chose to have a relationship that is only one-dimensional or two-dimensional,
when God created you to have a three-dimensional relationship, where
you are connecting in a oneness--body,
soul and spirit. [i.e. 1. physical/sexual bonding. 2. emotional/relational bonding. 3. Spirit-plane bonding brought on by the indwelling of the
Holy Spirit. This level is
only achieved by born-again Christians. That is why the Bible cautions against a believer
marrying an unbeliever, which it calls
being “unequally yoked.”] And your relationship will never be complete until there is a oneness in all three areas. And the most neglected area is that spiritual
dimension. And if you
have a one or two-dimensional relationship, without including that
spiritual relationship--that spiritual bonding--your relationship
will always have a limp…That's
why the Bible is so clear about husbands and wives sharing the same
faith. And so
we have mutual needs, and one of them is that we have a need for
a spiritual fulfillment.
II. We have
a second need that we share in common. And that is that we have a need for emotional fulfillment. Look at 1 Corinthians
7, verses 3 & 4. (I think
they're in the middle of a paragraph that's printed for you. Because we'll look at the
rest of the verses later.) Verse 3 says this, "The husband should fulfill his marital
duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to
her husband. And in the same way the husband's body does
not belong to him alone but also to his wife." Those verses there are talking about meeting
one another's needs. About
putting the other person's list of needs as more important than
your own. It's inverting that natural tendency for me
to meet my needs, you see, but it's meeting that person's needs
so that they can be emotionally fulfilled. Here's what I mean by this. a.
Everyone has an emotional tank. I have one, you have one, your children
have one. One of the keys to keeping your children growing
healthy, normal and responsive is to continually be filling their
emotional tank. b. And one
of the secrets to staying in love is keeping that emotional tank
full. And that tank can only be filled by someone
else. I can't fill my own
emotional tank. It can also
be drained by someone else. But we all have this emotional tank. c.
And love burns on the emotional fuel stored within our tanks. Getting the picture? d.
Love burns brightly when our emotional tanks are full, no one can
run on empty. All of our marital problems reflect an empty
emotional tank. And most
of our marital misunderstandings are due to a failure of understanding
how we fill our mate's emotional tank. When our tanks are empty emotionally, we instinctively seek
someone who will fill it. It always happens. That's why when the love begins to flicker in
the relationship, when two people begin to grow apart, in different lives, they begin to
seek out people to talk to, and people to interact with, so their
emotional tank can be filled. And I'll tell you this, every single
affair is ultimately the result of an empty emotional tank. That
ought to be a great motivation for us to understand. We must keep our mate's emotional tank full,
and realize that when their emotional tank is emptying, that they
are going to be seeking somewhere to have that tank filled. Now we're not talking about a mad passion for sex here,` we're talking about a basic emotional need. Now unfortunately, men and women have their emotional tanks
filled in different ways. Doesn't
that figure? I mean, we're
different in every other way, so I guess it shouldn't surprise us. But it would be really nice if on this one we both had our
emotional tanks filled the same way, but we don't. We fill another's emotional tanks by meeting their basic
needs. And the basic needs of a man and the basic needs
of a woman are very, very different. But each of us are responsible to
set out to meet the needs of that other person, to fill their tank. And when we fill their emotional tank we add
stability and love to our relationships. And every time we are insensitive to their basic needs, we
drain their emotional tank. So
you can make deposits in the soul of that other person, which fills
their tank and keeps love burning. But how in the world do you do that? That's the focus of the rest of this session and our next. We're going to look at the five basic needs of a man, and
the five basic needs of a woman. And this morning we're only going to look at
one of them. Now just about
every marriage book out there that's ever been written has a list
of the basic needs of a man, the basic needs of a woman--but I'll
tell you, I read dozens of books and the best list I've ever seen
is from a guy named Willard Harley in the book "His Needs,
Her Needs." And if you're
looking for something to read this week that will help you on some
of the ideas we're going to talk about, that's a great book--"His
Needs, Her Needs". [Willard
F. Harley also has a new book out titled FALL IN LOVE, STAY IN LOVE. You might try clicking on http://www.amazon.com or http://www.Christianbook.com to order them.] But let's talk about the number one need that
he identifies for women.
The
number one need that men need to respect, because God called us
to respect one another, and God called us to meet one another's
needs and all of that--so here it is: He must respect her need for affection. [Websters: Affection:
tender attachment.] write that one down. Guys, I know
your hand is going to be quivering as you write, but just write
it down--respect her need for affection. Now, it is the cement of a relationship for
a woman. Affection is the
cement of a relationship for a woman. And men need to understand how strongly women need affirmation
that comes from affection. For
the typical wife there can never be enough of it in the affection
arena. Now affection comes far more natural for a woman
than it does for a man, you guys all know that, I realize. They just instinctively are more affectionate
than men. Guys, you need
to do that! a. I mean, you need to be thinking about building
an environment where affection is part of life. You guys often wonder why there is less
passion after the marriage than before the marriage. The answer is really simple guys, men are generally more affectionate before the marriage
when they're dating. And
after the wedding he tends to think "Romantic stuff is impractical,
unnecessary and expensive." [But divorce can be more expensive!] The truth is, it's essential. The
man who says, "I'm just not the affectionate type" while
reaching for his wife's body to gratify his own sexual desires is
like the salesman who tries to close a deal by saying "Look,
I'm not the friendly type, sign here you creep, I've got another
appointment waiting." It is the cement of a relationship for a woman. It is not sex or foreplay--write that one down guys. Affection has nothing to do with it. You see, there's a third thing for you to jot down about
this, (a) it is an environment of affirmation, appreciation--that's
what this affection thing is. It's an environment you create. Most guys tend to think of it in terms of an
event. "Hey, I sent
you flowers three weeks ago, come on, what do you want this week?" (a) It's not an event, it's an environment that you create, and guys, God
has called us to respect the woman's need for us to create an environment
of affection for her. And so, how do you affirm her and how do you
appreciate her and how do you cultivate an environment [of affection]? Well, one thing you ought to do is ask her. Just ask her, "What are the things that I can do that
are communicating to you that I'm thinking of you, that you mean
the world to me, that I really do love you--what are those things?" And make a list and take good notes, guys. And write it into your day-timer and put it into your computer
or whatever it is that can constantly spark and remind you that
you need to be cultivating an environment of affection. It can be nearly anything that says, "I'm thinking of
you, you mean the world to me." b. Write her notes, send her flowers, hold her
hand, invite her to dinner, call her for no reason, ask her to take a walk--with you. Give
her a back-rub, give her a foot massage, bring home token little gifts. Guys, go shopping with her. I
know that's the hardest thing in the world for a guy, isn't it gentlemen? I mean, ladies, if he goes shopping with you,
this is the ultimate expression of love. He would rather be taken into the back alley and beaten up
than go shopping with you. Because,
you remember the differences in your brain. He goes to shop to buy something. You go to shop. And so he finds himself wandering through different
stores, through different departments, and all over the place, and
he's in emotional pain. But
guys, if you really want to score points, go shopping with her. In fact, if you really want to score big points,
invite her, "Would you like to go shopping?" Am I right, ladies? Raise your hand if I'm right about this ladies. See guys? It's an environment. There are two things in the environment that
are very important. c. Hug her. You see, when a man hugs a wife it sends a powerful message. Women love to hug. Do you know women in every culture--in every culture of the
world, love to hug and be hugged? They hug each other, they hug their children,
they hug their animals, they hug stuffed animals, they hug their
pillows, they're hugging--hugging--hugging--hugging. Now the guy who says, "I'm not the hugging
type" had better get a grip on reality. You cultivate an environment of affection when
you are regularly hugging your wife. In fact, women need eight to twelve significant hugs a day
to stay healthy. You fill her tank when you hug her. And
guys, you ought to be hugging her, because hugs
say "I care for you", it says "You're important to me", it says, "I'll protect you",
it says "I'm proud of you" and it says " I want to
be close to you"--all those things are conveyed in one simple
little hug. [Remember from a previous tape, pastor
d.
Kissing is very important to a woman. You know German researchers recently studied
the effects of a morning kiss on people. It's really an interesting study. They found the secret to a long and successful life was a
morning kiss. A team of psychologists and physicians and insurance
companies teamed up to do this research project, and they found
the key to a longer, happier, healthier and wealthier life for a
man is found in one single act, kissing in the morning. So not only is it important to her, guys, it's important
to you. These German researchers found that men who
kiss their wives every morning have fewer automobile accidents on
the way to work. They found
that good morning kissers missed less work because
of sickness than non-kissers. You
know why? Kissing is good
for you physically. Because
when you kiss you exchange benign bacteria in the siliva which helps boost and build your immune system. It's good for you! And
don't tell my teenage daughters that, but it is good for you. Do you know that, according to their study,
men who kiss every single morning earn twenty to thirty percent
more money. How can that
be? Well, one doctor said
it's because a husband who kisses his wife every morning begins
his day with a positive attitude. Now I don't know if that's true or not, but they also found
that every morning kisser lives, on an average, five years longer
than men who were stingy with their kisses. Guys, kiss her. Everybody wins when you kiss her. Respect
her need for affection. It's
the cement of the relationship, it isn't foreplay or sex. It's an environment of affirmation and appreciation. That's her # 1 need.
THE # 1 NEED OF A
And ladies, his # 1 need, this will be
no surprise to any lady here--respect his need for sexual fulfillment. Whereas a woman's # 1 need to fulfill her emotional
tank is an environment of appreciation, the # 1 need for filling
that man's emotional tank is the sexual union with his wife. a. Men need a frequent sex
life. Look
That [also] means that a guy should never force her into any activity that
she is not interested in or comfortable with. He should never force himself upon her. And that she should never withhold from--you see that, ladies,
is his need. Just as you
need affection he needs a frequent sexual response from you. He needs it. You can
see the power of this need demonstrated in our society by the insane
behavior of grown up adult rational men. I mean, think about the men you know who have given up successful
careers for a fling with a woman. And whenever I see that happen, I always think, "How
stupid this is." Bank
presidents who give up their presidency and pastors who give up
successful ministries and flourishing churches to pursue a woman. But what it says to us is that this
drive for sex literally unravels the rational thinking of a male
if that need is not met. Women, it is that important. I know his frequency for desire is much higher than a woman's. I'll never forget the day that, after I had performed a wedding
on one week, a couple of weeks later I was standing at the door
in another church, and as the people were leaving and the kids were
leaving. And this couple I married two weeks earlier
walked out and they were just back from their honeymoon and I shook
hands and said, "Hey, how are you doing? Did you have a great time?" And they both looked at me with this look that said, "Wrong
question." And I said, "Oh, well, it only gets better,
you know. Keep on keepin' on." And
this gal started to cry and she leaned forward and she said, "Dave,
I married an animal." Now
I tried not to laugh. And I explained to her that for her, quality
is important, for him quantity is important. I also explained that his pawing at her wasn't because he
turned into some lusting monster. That his sexual advances were due to a
powerful need in his life. And that while she is a whole lot like an iron,
it takes her awhile to warm up, he is a whole lot more like a light
bulb--boom--he's ready. That
seemed to help a little bit. Men
need a frequent sex life, and men need a fulfilling sex life. Solomon acknowledged this in the words to his son. Proverbs chapter 5. They're not printed for you, but let me read
them to you. This is that
father-son talk, you know, where Dad's going to explain the birds
and bees to his kid. Do you remember that talk in your life? I do. I
was in the seventh grade. My
Dad went through all this stuff, every technical term in the book. I had no clue what he was talking about. And when he was finished I went, "Ah-huh,
got it Dad, thanks." You
know how that is. It says,
"Son, drink water from your own cistern." You can bet that boy said "Huh?" You know, 'running water from your own well' it says. Right Dad. "Should
your streams overflow in the streets--your streams of water in public
squares?" Excuse me? "Let them be yours alone, never to be shared
with a stranger." Now
you can bet this kid has no clue what Dad's talking about. Then it says, "May your fountain be blessed." O.K. "And rejoice in the wife of your youth." Oh, now we're starting to make some sense. And you can tell that Solomon finally says, "O.K., let
me cut it straight." Verse 19, "As a loving doe and a graceful
deer, let her breasts satisfy you at all times, may you ever be
captivated by her love." There
are four words there that describe what this sexual relationship
means. It means that it will be blessed. The word is happy, that you're to rejoice in it. The word means to brighten up. It says, "...may
her breasts satisfy you." The
word means to be intoxicated. And "that you always
be captivated by her love", which means consistently and perpetually
as prisoner of her love. You see, that's the fulfillment that the sex life brings
for a man into that relationship. And of course it can for the woman too. But primarily this is a man's # 1 need. Our son came home after sex education at school--now we've
been through all that with him. We've shown him the pictures and done the whole
thing, because we didn't want him to hear it, you know, at school--and
when he came home after his sex ed class, you know I said, "Hey,
how was it Tyson? You learn
anything new?" "Nope,
you guys taught me everything I need to know." "Well, good!" "Except for one thing. You never told me you do this for fun!" He goes, "That's sick!" Well you understand where he's coming from. I
mean, a boy's first dilemma is when he likes girls more than frogs
and dogs and doesn't know why. That's
his first dilemma. d. But
the point is that, ladies, he needs enthusiastic participation. It's good for you to
be the aggressor once in a while. He gets tired of chasing you. Chase him. It does
wonders for him when you chase him. Play the seductress with him. It's a great thing to add dimension and life
to that relationship. You
can do that.
IN CLOSING: Women need an environment
where they are emotionally fulfilled by affection. Men need an environment where they are emotionally
fulfilled by that sexual union. When the two of you come together understanding
the difference in those needs, that's when the marriage begins to
click. I don't know if you ever saw the film "Milk
Money." Interesting little film. Not
exactly moral [but very tame by today's standards--PG-13]. But three 12 year old little boys decided to use their milk
money to hire Melanie Griffith, a professional in the sex arena,
to answer sex related questions. Their number one question was this, "Is there a place on a girl where you can touch
her and drive her crazy?" She
told them, "No." And
they were very disappointed. But
as the film continued, she reformed her ways, cultivated a friendship
with the three boys as well as the father of one of them. It's gonna be one of those happily
ever after stories. And
at the very closing scene Melanie Griffith looks at these little
guys and she says, "Hey boys, there really is a place you can
touch a woman and drive her crazy." And of course their ears perked up and they
lit up and they leaned forward and they're ready for the answer,
and she said, "It's right here",
pointing to her heart. That is really good advice. Guys, you touch
her heart, you fill her tank--and feelings of affection and romance
are the key to a woman's arousal. And affection is the environment of marriage and sex then
the special event. And when both of us understand that, we take
a gigantic step towards having a love for a lifetime.
end of first tape transcript
[Copyright © Moore On Life,
His Needs, Her Needs,
Part I, Notes
I.
Now the first mutual need that we have--is we need spiritual
fulfillment.
a.
You see the bonding of your bodies occurs in marriage through
physical touching and sex. The
bonding of your souls occurs through emotional and relational experiences
and interaction. And the bonding of your spirits come only through a shared faith and shared
spiritual experiences.
b.
That's why the Bible is so clear about husbands and wives
sharing the same faith. It also means that Christian young people
ought not to be dating non-Christian young people, because you only
have a two-dimensional relationship at best.
II.
We have a second need that we share in common. And that is that we have a need for emotional
fulfillment.
a.
Everyone has an emotional tank. I have one, you have one, your children have one.
b.
One of the secrets to staying in love is keeping that emotional
tank full. And that tank
can only be filled by someone else. I can't fill my own emotional tank. It can be drained by someone else.
c.
Love burns on the emotional fuel stored within our tanks.
d.
Love burns brightly when our emotional tanks are full, no
one can run on empty. All
of our marital problems reflect an empty tank. And most of our marital misunderstandings are due to a failure
of understanding how we fill our mate's emotional tank.
e.
When our tanks are empty emotionally, we instinctively seek
someone who will fill it. It
always happens. That's why
when the love begins to flicker in the relationship, when two people
begin to grow apart, in different lives, they begin to seek out
people to talk to, and people to interact with, so their emotional
tank can be filled [less so with men, more so with women. You’ll find out why in part II]. And I'll tell you this, every single affair is ultimately the result of an empty
emotional tank.
THE # 1 NEED OF A WOMAN
1.
The number one need that men need to respect, here it is: He must respect her
need for affection.
a.
I mean, you need to be thinking about building an environment
where affection is part of life. It is an environment of affirmation, appreciation--that's
what this affection thing is. It's
an environment you create. It's
not an event, it's an environment that you create, and guys, respect the woman's need for us to create
an environment of affection for her.
How do we create this environment of affection guys?
1. Write her notes, send her flowers, hold her
hand, invite her to dinner, call her for no reason, ask her to take
a walk--with you. Give her
a back-rub, give her a foot-message, bring home token little gifts. Guys, go shopping with her.
2.
Hug her. You
see, when a man hugs a wife it sends a powerful message. You fill her tank when you hug her. (In fact, women need eight to twelve significant
hugs a day to stay healthy.) Hugs
say, "I care for you", "You're important to me." "I'll protect you." "I'm proud of you."
"I want to be close to you"--all those things are conveyed
in one simple little hug.
3. Kissing is very important to a woman.
Respect her need for affection. It's the cement of the relationship, it isn't
foreplay or sex. It's an
environment of affirmation and appreciation. That's her # 1 need.
THE # 1 NEED OF A
1b. And ladies, his # 1 need, this will be no surprise to any lady here--respect
his need for sexual fulfillment. Whereas a woman's # 1 need to fulfill her emotional tank
is an environment of appreciation, the # 1 need for filling that
man's emotional tank is the sexual union with his wife.
a.
Men need a frequent sex life.
b.
It says here that sexual fulfillment at home helps prevent
a wandering spouse. It's
absolutely true.
c.
It also says that it should never be interrupted. It should never be withheld as punishment or
offered as a reward. This drive for sex literally unravels the rational
thinking of a male if that need is not met.
d.
But the point is that, ladies, he needs enthusiastic participation.
In closing: Women need an environment where they are emotionally
fulfilled by affection. Men
need an environment where they are emotionally fulfilled by that
sexual union. When
the two of you come together understanding the difference in those
needs, that's when the marriage begins to click.
Your
Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
[This sermon is from
tape 5 of an 8 cassette series titled "Love For
A Lifetime", given by pastor David T. Moore of the
"Somebody
gave me a book this week, a little booklet called "He Says,
She Says." It was various
definitions of words from a male perspective and from a female perspective. And it was really fun reading, and I would like
to share some of it with you, but then I got to thinking "Now
just me reading them isn't nearly as effective as if I had a gal
read the gal's parts and me read the guy's parts." And many of you have asked "Is there really a Sonya? Does she exist?" And, ah, she really does exist, and so I said,
"Sony, would you mind working through these definitions with
me this morning? And that
way people would see that you really are a human being, and, ah,
we could have some fun with this." And she said she'd be happy to. Well almost she said that. So I want to introduce my wife of twenty years,
Sonya. She, she really does
exist. We met in a tropical
fish store, twenty two years ago. And,
ah, she came to visit a friend there, and I worked there. And her friend said, "Why don't you put your hand in
this fish tank and feel the sea anemone, because it'll sting you
and it's kind of a fun thing." And so she stuck her hand in the tank, and her friend walked
out of the room, I walked in. My very first words to her were "Get your
hand out of that tank!" And,
ah, we were friends, and dated for about nine months, and engaged
for nine months, and at the age of 21 we were married. And it's been twenty years now that we celebrated last summer. And I love her! And so, thank you for going through this with
me. These are the definitions
of different words, and they're typically male and typically female,
and certainly don't represent our values at all, but at least it
will point out the differences in men and women. The first word is "atmosphere" [Sonya] "O.K.,
atmosphere, a place with romantic surroundings, tables for two,
candlelight and a strolling violinist." [Dave] "Atmosphere, any place with free pretzels,
big screen T.V. and Monday night football." "Conversational topics. Interesting people, world
affairs and social problems." "Conversational topics--sports and politics." "Daydreaming--imagining you and your man
on a beach walking along the beach, and dancing under the stars." "Daydreaming--something you do while your partner
has a serious conversation with you." "Delegation--asking others to do things for the benefit of your family." Delegation--asking your wife to help you find your glasses, car keys,
and the remote control." "Directions--the first thing you ask for to make sure you find your way." Directions--the last
thing you ever ask for, unless you're driving into a swamp." "Dressing
up--Spending hours on your hair, putting on a dynamic outfit, and
making sure your makeup's perfect." Dressing up--changing a T-shirt." [Sonya]
I thought it was socks! "Must-see documentaries--Making of the President." Must-see documentaries--Making
of a centerfold. (It's
not me, this is the average man, you know). Etiquette in automobiles--thanking him for opening the door first." Etiquette in automobiles--Remembering to roll down the window
before you spit." (Don't
tell Tyson these.") Parenting
advice to teens--Telling them you care and then guiding them with
love and wisdom." Parenting
advice to teens--Ask your Mom." Flattering hairdo's--Getting
just the right cut and color to suit you." Flattering hairdo--Getting one hair long enough to encircle
your bald spot like linguini." "Kissing--an expression of enjoyment and attraction." Kissing--first base. [Sonya] Don't tell Tyson this one either! "Listening--focussing on every word he
says." Listening--paying
attention until you think of something more important to say." Manners--formal
and informal rules of thoughtful behaviors designed to make others
in your presence feel appreciated and comfortable." Manners--Wiping your mouth
after you take a swipe from the milk carton." Sharing responsibility--both parents contributing to the relationship
by sharing household chores." Sharing responsibility--You
leave the laundry around, she picks it up, you mess up the kitchen,
she cleans the dishes, you track in dirt, she cleans the floor." Thoughtful gifts for your wife--Satin lingerie, gold, diamonds." Thoughtful
gifts for your wife--A new toaster, vacuum cleaner, thigh-master." (I did get that vacuum!) (She did. Her first birthday after we were married I made
the mistake of buying her a vacuum cleaner and I've never made that
mistake again.)
Well,
let's jump into the message. We're
going to take you on a quick review. What we've been trying to do during the past several weeks
is walk through a series together called "Love For
A Lifetime." And this morning is our sixth session in this
series, and it's really a part II of what we looked at two weeks
ago [the last transcription] "His Needs, Her Needs, Our Needs." We've said all along through this entire series
that men and women are very different, and most of our problems
are rooted in our differences. Every
cell in your body, men, is different than every cell in her body. She sees the world differently, she describes
the world differently. We
interact differently, we have different needs…
I. Not
only do we have individual needs, we have mutual needs. One of the mutual needs that we have is we need
spiritual fulfillment. Everybody
has that. Everybody in this
room has a need for spiritual fulfillment…
II. We also have a second need, and that second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an emotional tank. The secret to staying in love is keeping that tank full. Now all of our marital problems reflect an empty emotional
tank. Every affair is the
ultimate result of an empty emotional tank.
a. And most of our
marital misunderstandings are due to our failure to understand how
to fill our mate's tank.
b. You see, we are
responsible to fill that other person's tank. They can't fill it themselves, they can't empty
it themselves.
c. We all have this driving need to have this emotional tank filled. We make deposits in that person's emotional
tank when we meet their needs. We make
withdrawals when we ignore their needs.
d. And the important thing
about this is the fuel in that emotional tank is the fuel upon which
love burns.
e. And if love is
going to last a lifetime, we must know how to fill the emotional
tank of the person that we live with.
f.
Now this morning we're going to review the two first needs
of a man and woman, and then focus most of our time on the next
four. So all in all, we're going to look at the five
basic needs of a man, the five basic needs of a woman. Now these needs are
not mine, I didn't invent them. The basic needs that I'll mention to you come from a book
called "His Needs, Her Needs" by Willard Harley. Now the information I'll be sharing with you is not necessarily
his, but I have found these to be absolutely consistent with my
experience as a pastor and as a husband and as a father, and as
somebody who works with couples. These five needs, when met, fill the emotional
tank, which keeps love burning. So we've got to know what they are and how to meet them. Now some of them will sound stereo-typical, some of them
will sound simplistic, some of them will even sound chauvinistic. But I can tell you this, every successful marriage I know of has most of these needs things
going for it, these needs being met. On the other hand, nearly every marriage I know of personally,
where there has been marital strife or problems, or where the marriage
has fallen apart, it was because these needs were not being acknowledged
and met--the emotional tanks were empty. So that's the focus this morning.
1.) Now two weeks ago we looked at the # 1
need of a woman, and that was the need for affection. Now a woman needs affection. It is the cement of a relationship. Men need to understand that affection is not an event, it's
an environment. And we as guys are responsible to create an
environment of affection. Writing her notes, sending her flowers,
holding her hands, giving her that back-rub, bringing her token
gifts, hugging her, kissing her, all of these kinds of things create
an environment of affection. It's her # 1 need. It is the most significant way to fill her emotional
tank. The # 1 need of a man,
on the other hand, is sexual fulfillment. We saw from Scriptures in 1 Corinthians that God calls us
to meet one another's physical, sexual needs, and that it is so
important that nothing should interrupt those needs [being fulfilled]
except a short season of prayer. Men need sexual fulfillment, and if affection is the cement
of a relationship for a woman, then a fulfilling sexual relationship
is really the cement of a relationship for a man. And
so his # 1 need--sexual fulfillment, her # 1 need--affection.
2. a.) Now, the # 2 need of a woman is conversation. The second most significant way to fill her
emotional tank, to fuel love to burn for a lifetime is to communicate
with her, to converse with her. You see women enjoy
conversation simply for the sake of conversing. She needs daily conversation. If you're out of town guys, you ought to call her every single
day. She needs regular consistent conversation with
you. How much does she need? You're not going to like the answer. Most of the studies done from successful couples
to try to discover how much personal interaction and communication
is occurring during a week that causes love to grow, keep the tank
full, comes in somewhere around 10 to 15 hours a week. Ooow. Now when I first began to read those studies
I was very troubled. Because
where in the world am I going to get 15 minutes a day, much less
15 hours a week? And yet, lest you think I'm crazy, you need
to understand, as we walk through this, that many of the other needs
of a man and other needs of a woman, as you begin to meet them,
they also contribute to and meet this need. And 10 to 15 hours a week, when you understand the rest of
the scenario, is not such an unrealistic figure. So don't allow yourself to say, "Well, I'll never make
it." You see, if love
is to last a lifetime, you have to fall in love with the same person
over and over and over again. And
that requires communication and lots of it. People
fall in love as a result of the time they spend exchanging conversation
and affection. So we
need that much. The problem is, that after the marriage, the average
couple spends 37 minutes a week in meaningful conversation. So 37 minutes a week is a long way from 10 to 15 hours. Is it any wonder then that we as Americans in our fast-paced
living lead the world in divorce? We have allowed everything else to consume the time that
was supposed to be devoted to the # 2 need of a woman, and our marriages
fall apart. Somewhere along
the line, she'll say something to you like, "You know, I miss
the talks that we once had." Because before you were married, you talked for hours, right
guys? Remember that? In fact, if you were to calculate it out, you
probably spent somewhere between 10 to 15 hours a week winning her
hand in marriage. Suddenly,
when you've won the prize you think it's not necessary anymore to
keep falling in love. And yet it is absolutely essential. So she misses it, so somewhere she'll say, "You
know, I miss the talks we once had. Honey, let's talk." Guys, that is the signal that her emotional tank is emptying. And it needs to be replenished and refilled, and only you
can do it. And if you don't
she will turn to someone else, someone else to converse with. It ought to be you. The worse thing you can say guys, when she says
"Honey, let's talk"--the worse thing, I mean, this is
the bottom of the pit guys, when you say, "Sure! What do you
want to talk about?!" Don't
ever say that again. That is not a good response. Her first thought will be, "Well, if you
don't know the answer to that question, then I guess we don't have
anything to talk about." It
wounds her spirit, and you see, that answer
"Sure! What'ya want to talk
about?!" reflects the male beat toward communicating for the
purpose of solutions. That's
the way we talk, guys, we talked about this in our communication series. But you see, women don't communicate for solutions,
women communicate for sharing. They
share their soul as they talk out loud. And that's why that answer is so aggravating
to her. "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" "Come'on get to it, spit it
out? I'll solve it!" It bugs her. Now let me turn the tables gentlemen,
and let me illustrate to you how awful it sounds to her when you
say "Sure! What'ya want to talk about?!" Let's suppose that you say to her "Honey, let's make
love." And she says,
"Why? Do you want to
have children?" That is exactly the same answer as when you
say "What'ya want to talk about?!" You see her answer is focussed on the end purpose,
right? Children! And I'll bet that answer would be aggravating
to most of you husbands. Am
I right? You chicken-hearts?! You guys! "Oh
no, wouldn't aggravate me at all." You see, he's thinking when she would say that,
"I just want to be intimate with you." Well, when you say "Sure! Want'ya want to talk about?!" she's thinking "Look I don't
want a discussion, I don't want to solve the world's problems, I
just want to be intimate with you." Just as men find sex enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment,
women find conversation enjoyable for the sake of enjoyment. And guys, it is that important to her, it is her # 2 need,
and God knew that, and so in his wisdom he gave us James 1:19. James 1:19 says, "My dear brothers, make note of this. Everyone should be quick to hear, slow to speak,
and slow to become angry." Guys, we need to be quick to listen, slow to speak. The result is a lack of anger in our relationships. God is brilliant, he knew that was
a # 2 need of a woman, so he said that to us so that we wouldn't
mess up the relationships. Her # 1 need--affection, her # 2 need--conversation. His # 1 need--sexual fulfillment. His # 2 need, very
interesting, look at Genesis chapter 2, verse 7. Genesis 2:7 says, "The Lord formed man
from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath
of life and the man became a living being." Verse 15, "Then the Lord God took the man and put him
in the garden of Eden to work it and to take care of it." Verse 18, "Then the Lord said, 'It is not
good for the man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for
him.'" Verse 21, "So
the Lord caused the man to fall into a deep sleep and while he was
sleeping he took one of man's ribs, closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken
from the man and he brought her to the man, and the man said this,
'Now this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, she'll be called
woman, for she was taken out of man.' And for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother
and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." Next week we're going to look at all the theology behind
this as we talk about how to affair-proof your marriage, and we talk about the bonding process and all of
that. But for now I want
you to notice verse 18, it says, "The Lord says that it is
not good for a man to be alone. I'll make a suitable helper for him." Gentlemen, the most suitable helper for you is the woman. It was God's design, it was God's creation, it was what he knew you needed.
2. b.) Your # 2 need is a recreational playmate,
in your wife. Your # 1 need
is sexual fulfillment. Your
# 2 need is a recreational playmate. You see, it's not good
to be alone. And so the most
suitable helper for you, the suitable completer, the most suitable
fulfiller of relationships for you is that one special woman. Now let me explain this for just a moment. Before [marriage], the women often do recreational things
with men. You may remember
that. You may remember that
before you were married you'd go fishing with him, or you'd throw
a football with him, or you might even stand beside his car and
pass him a wrench. Or you
might even lift weights with him, or any one of a hundred other
things that are recreational things that you do typically before
your marriage, and I think it's because instinctively, women know
that this is a good relationship builder. When we went on our honeymoon, you now there
was a limiting factor on finances and so forth, and so we decided
that we would spend four days, because that was all we could afford,
working our way down the coast of Monterray,
Pacific Grove and so forth, and in that area. And then we had three days left before I had to be back at
work, and so I said, "What do you want to do with those other
three days, Sony?" And
she said, "I don't know. What
do you want to do?" And
I said, "You know what I really want to do?" She said, "No. What do you really want
to do?" I said, "I
want to go water skiing." "Water
skiing?" "Yeah." "That's not a very romantic way to spend
your honeymoon." And
today when I tell people "Yeah, we went water skiing on our
honeymoon." People look at me like, "What a dirt-bag
you are." But you see,
what I didn't realize at the time, is the
# 2 need of a man is for a recreational companion. And I instinctively wanted to take her water skiing, and
teach her to water ski. [Roger Littlefield and his
sailing-companion wife! What
a close couple.] And that's
what we did on my honeymoon, took her to water ski. You see that T.V shows always portray guys out in the woods,
they're all alone, they're being men, you know. And they're bragging, "This is the life, no women here,
it doesn't get any better than this!" Nonsense! Truth is, they'd rather
have their wives along if their wives enjoyed the same things they
did. I mean, think about
it guys, would you rather look at Harry or your honey, you know? It's not really a contest. And God knew that. That's why he said, "Look, it's not good
to be alone, I'll make a helper suitable for him." The most suitable recreational companion is
your wife. And ladies, you
need to understand that. You
see, what happens, is that after the wedding, wives typically try
to get their husbands interested in activities more to their liking,
and guys don't go for that. And so, usually when that fails, the wives will
encourage their husbands to continue on "and do what you do
without me, it'll be O.K. I'll
see you when you get home, and we'll connect later"--and they
encourage them to go along and enjoy their recreational things--and
it's the worst thing that you can do for your marriage. Because what happens then is he is having his # 2 need met
somewhere else. Something else or someone else is filling that
emotional tank, and you ought to be filling it instead. If you're doing things, guys, that she doesn't
enjoy doing, quit doing 'em and do something she enjoys. When we first got married, Sonya and I, I liked
to play baseball. And yet
I would come into the house after working, and two nights a week
grab my cleats and my glove and head on out the door and said, "See ya later." And on Saturdays, spent at the ball park. And when volleyball season came around there was two nights
a week of practice, and you know, there were the games on Saturdays,
so I was two nights and one day a week when I was out. And she was always gracious and she always encouraged me,
but what I saw happening was that there was a growing resentment
in her spirit. Because if a man only has so much time for a
recreational activity, "Why in the would he rather be with those guys than with me?" [is what she's thinking.] And
she was right, so I put the volleyball aside, put the baseball aside,
and we started to cultivate things that we do together, and it's wonderful. And it's the way we ought to be. We're meeting--you know when you're meeting not only your
second need but her second need, because you're talking. You're
communicating. There's conversation. And I just want you wives to understand and
appreciate that.
Right after I broke my leg I was at the hair-cutter getting my hair cut
and she asked me of course, "How'd you get your leg broken?" And I said "I broke it riding dirt bikes." And she said, "Oh, my husband loves to do that." "What does he ride?" And she said, "He rides those quad-runner things." And I said, "Oh, have you ever gone with
him?" She goes "Are
you kidding? Get out there
in the hot and the sand and the dirt and the stink. I'm not interested in that." And I said, "You know, you really ought to try it, because
the # 2 need of a man is a recreational companion." And she said "# 2 need? What's his # 1 need?" And I said "Sex", and she said "Oh that figures." But the # 2 need [of a man] is [for] a recreation companion. I said, "I'll bet he's asked you to go
with him, hasn't he?" She
goes, "Yeah, all the time." I said "Next time he asks you to go, blow his mind and
say 'I'd love to go.'" And
she said, "Okay, I will." Well I went in to get my hair cut last week. Sat down. She said "You're not going to believe what happened." I said "What happened?" She said "I went quad-runner riding." I said "You did!?! "How was it?" She says, "Oh it was
awful. I flipped off, rolled and crashed and all that
kind of thing." And
I said, "Well, there are no broken bones, so you did okay." She said, "Yeah, I did okay." I said, "What did your husband think about
this?" and she said, "You would not believe this man's response. When I said I'd like to go with him you would
have thought he'd won the lottery. This was the greatest thrill of his life!" And I said "See, # 2 need, a recreational companion." When I'm out doing things, and I have fun without
Sonya, my first thought is "I wish Sonya was here." And so over the years we've grown to appreciate
this #2 need, and so we do everything together. We water ski together, we scuba dive together,
next month we're sky diving together. Now she bought the tickets, so don't blame me! But I mean those are shared experiences that
produce the fertile soil in which love grows. And as my needs for a recreational companion are met the
love just continues to grow, and so I just encourage you about that.
3. a.) His # 1 need is sexual fulfillment, # 2 is recreational playmate. Her # 1 need is an environment of affection, her # 2 need is conversation. # 3 is transparency. Openness and honesty gives a woman a sense of
security. They can't feel like
you have any secrets from them. If they feel like you have secrets, even if you don't, they
will sense it and have an insecurity about that relationship. I meet many men who feel like they have a need
for privacy, a need for their own space, a need for their man thing. But I'll tell you what, that'll generally leave
a wife feeling very uneasy. And
so as she feels uneasy she'll begin to ask you questions, "Where
were you? What were you doing? Who were you doing it with?" Not necessarily being mean or anything, but
she has a need to know. And
then he will often feel like she's prying into his private business. He'll often feel like, "You don't trust
me. Why are you asking me
these questions? What's the
matter?" which makes her feel
even more insecure. Listen,
the truth is this, as a couple, God said
we're supposed to be one. And
if there is a oneness about us, we have no private business, because the 3rd greatest need in her life is to know
you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling, and what are the
things you're afraid of--all of that, transparency. When you are transparent with her, her emotional tank is
filled and love grows. You've got to be honest with her. And if you're not, she'll feel insecure. One of my favorite stories isn't recorded in the Bible, but
it's a great story. Adam
was out three or four nights in a row, very late. Eve was becoming a little bit anxious about where he was. And so she began to ask him those questions, and you see
as a man begins to withdraw and say "I need my private space"
then she begins to pursue even more, which drives him even further
away. And so this contest is going on "Where
are you? Where've you been?" She gets very upset, and finally she says "You're
running around with another woman!" which is ridiculous. And he says "Don't be ridiculous, you're
the only woman on the planet!" And so they continue to quarrel and finally Adam fell asleep
only to be awakened by Eve jabbing him in the side, and he woke up, "Ow! What do you think
you're doing?" And she
said, "I'm counting your ribs!" She needs transparency, guys. She needs to feel as though there are no secrets, and there
ought not be any secrets. In fact Ephesians chapter 4, verse 15 says, "Instead
of playing games" that's my translation. Instead it says, ""Speak the truth in love, grow up." Our relationships
ought to be characterized by truthfulness with one another. She needs truth and transparency. You've got to tell her the truth. Even if the truth is painful, painful truth
is better than insecurity that covering truth brings. If things aren't going well in business, tell
her so. If you're struggling
in some area of your life, tell her so. When she asks you those very difficult questions, tell her
the truth. When she says, "How do you like my new
hairstyle?" Tell her
the truth [laughter]. Speak
the truth in love. Don't
lie to her and say "Oh it looks wonderful." Because you've just sent a double message, and a double message
says one thing with your words and another thing with your body
language--and she's perceptive, gentlemen. She will pick up upon that, and she will feel
insecure. And then she will
begin to play those mind games, "Well, if he's not telling
me the truth about this, what else is he being untruthful to me
about?" And she will begin to become more clingy, and you'll begin to withdraw even more, and both
of your emotional tanks begin to drain, and it's dumb. When all that we really need to do is to fulfill
the words of our Lord, and make sure that we're transparent. That mistrust gives her a deep sense of insecurity. It
sends mixed signals, she has no foundation
for the relationship. [i.e.
Honesty, transparency builds the foundation of the relationship--it's
foundational.] Jesus
Christ put it very well. One of my favorite verses. I've told it to you many times, where Jesus said "Let
your yes mean yes, your no mean no, and anything beyond this is
evil." That's the best policy for being transparent.
# 3 need of a man: Look
at Judges 14. Judges 14,
verse 1. It says, "Then Sampson went down to Timna and saw a woman in Timna,
one of the daughters of the Philistines. So he came back to his father and his mother and said, 'I
saw a woman in Timna, one of the daughters
of the Philistines, now there, get her for me as a wife.' Then his father and mother said to him, 'Is there no woman
among all of our people, that you have to take a wife from the uncircumcised
Philistines?' But Sampson
said to his father, 'Get her for me, for she looks good to me.'" She looked good to Sampson. Now ladies, you may not like this one, but I'm
gonna cut it real straight with you.
3. b.) The # 3 need of a man
is an attractive wife. Men
are visually oriented. Sampson made his decision
on his wife solely on the superficial grounds of her physical appearance. Is that shallow? Yes! But
is it real? Absolutely. Men are
creatures of sight. A lot
of times young guys now will be asking me questions about how I
picked Sonya and 'How'd you know you were in love with her?' 'What kind of insights can you give me?' And I always get a kick out of that, and I tell them, "I
don't have a clue man, I got lucky." Because it wasn't so much insight that caused me to pick
her, it was eyesight that caused me
to pick her. And then we
worked out the details as we went along the way. But men need an attractive wife. Now women are different from men. See a woman can look beyond a man's physical appearance and
love him for what's on the inside. Aren't you glad guys? Because you're all ugly. But it is nearly impossible for a man to appreciate a women for inner qualities alone. I love the story of the farmer who took his
family to town. They hadn't
been to town for years, and they went to this big department store.
First time they'd ever been to a department store. And the wife was off shopping, and the father and son were
tired of course now. And they sat down in front of the elevator. And they saw this rather large elderly woman waddle into
the elevator. The door closed. Just moments later the doors open and this beautiful young
woman walked out. And the man looked to his boy and said, "I
gonna get Mom and run her through that thing!" Men are visually oriented. Now, I'm not saying that every woman should
look like Sharon Stone. But
every woman ought to make the most of what she has. He loved you for whatever you were when you were first married,
he will continue to love you, just take care of it. You see, attractiveness is not what you have, but what you
do with what you have. And
an attractive woman is made, not born. Sometimes I see pictures in magazines of models on one side
of the page without their makeup and on the other side of the page
with their makeup and it is absolutely
astounding. You look at these
women on the one side and think, "Holy smoke, what are they
doing there?" and then you look on the other side and say, "Well that makes sense." And then you find out it's the same person and you go "There's
no way!" I'm not saying a woman should be eternally young. But getting older is no excuse for letting yourself go. And getting older is no excuse for failing to
fix your hair or dressing like a bag-lady. One elderly lady here at church said, "You know I'm
just as beautiful as I ever was, it just takes me a little longer
to get that way." Leaving
this morning, another lady said, "Youth is a work of nature,
middle age is a work of art." Well, there's truth to both of those statements. But the reality is, if you don't look good, he won't look
very much. And then he'll tend to notice other women, especially
good looking ones. And then
he'll tend to make comments about them. That's horrible for the relationship, by the way. And if he's a Christian, he'll actually feel guilty about
looking. Your marriage will begin to have a limp. Husbands will be turned off, not very interested
in sex. Generally won't be
that affectionate, so he won't meet your # 1 need. Worse yet, he may start fantasizing about someone
else when he's intimate with you, develop
a mistress of the mind, very unhealthy. Worst of all he might start looking somewhere else to have
his need met, so it really is an important one. Even as superficial as it sounds, it's very real. Simple test to know how you're doing, ladies. A wife's attractiveness to her husband is very
easily measured by how much he wants to touch her, squeeze her,
pinch her, whatever, but he will make it known to you that you look
good to him. Another indicator is that when a man is pleased
with his wife's appearance, he will be very enthusiastic about expressing
how pleased he is with your appearance. And on the other hand, when a man has little
to say it might be because he doesn't see much to talk about. And so that's the # 3 need of a man. Now let's get off of that one. And guys, quit elbowing
that lady sitting next to you.
4. a. ) Now,
fourth need of a wife--financial security. 1 Timothy chapter 5,
verses 7 and 8. "Give
the people these instructions too, so that no one will be open to
blame. If anyone does not provide for his relatives,
especially of his immediate family, he has denied the faith and
is worse than an unbeliever." Catch that? The financial obligation of
the man to provide for his family. God knew that women have a need for financial security. They need to be able to look out on the horizon
and feel secure that it's going to be O.K. The need for financial security and support
is deep and very serious for a woman. And the problem is that many times we ignore that as men
because you can typically function day-to-day, but she needs to
function in the future. Remember just a few weeks ago we said that's
why you carry a wallet, men, and she carries a purse. She's prepared for every possible thing that
can come her way--you're prepared for the moment. Likewise,
her fourth need is for financial security. Couples need to learn to live within their means. Especially the younger couples
that are here with us this morning and the younger couples that
will hear this via the radio and so forth. I really believe that the best rule of thumb for the economic
success is to make sure that you live on all of the basics of life
provided for from his check, not hers. I know that sounds kind of narrow minded and it sounds a little bit chauvinistic and so forth,
but there's a very good reason for that, because most young couples
find themselves living far beyond their means. They find themselves strapped into a lifestyle where they
need both incomes just to make ends meet. And what this does within her, it creates an
insecurity because she thinks things like "What if he
gets hurt? What if I get
sick? What if I have a child?" And it's terrible stress on the family. And so the wonderful thing to do is to plan ahead and know
guys that her 4th need is financial security. That means you take care of the insurance issues and get
those things in line, and that you start working toward just working
off your salary. When I was
first married to Sony I made a whapping $600 a month. Boy I thought I was rich. Then Sonya got a job working for a boat company
and she made $800 a month. But
when I got that first raise and I moved up to $650 a month, Sonya
cut her hours and went down to $750. When I got the next raise and went to $700, she went down
to $700. When I went up to $750, she went down to $650,
and we continued to do that until she was working just the hours
she was comfortable with, and we made it a point to keep our standard
of living such that we could live off of my check instead of living
beyond our means. The great thing about that is when children
came along four years into our marriage (now I know not everybody
has that kind of time span and so forth), but the great thing about
it was, our financial security was in place. By that time Sonya's paycheck was going into savings or toys
or something we didn't have to have to have it to live on. And she was able to make a choice. A choice of staying home or going back, but she had a choice. This gives a woman security. And young couples ought to work toward having
that choice. And if his paycheck
doesn't cover the basic expenses, you have four options. One option is he can work longer hours or get
a second job, but that's not good for your marriage. The second option is you can use credit cards
to sustain a phony standard of living until you're so deeply in
debt that you don't know what you're gonna do. That's not a good solution. She can be forced to work, but that's not a good solution
because those who study relationships say that most married women
tell counselors that they resent working. If they're working, it's only going to absolute
necessities. Now I realize
when you're first married, sometimes you have to do that. And one of the ingredients that's important
to understand is that you may have to do this for a time, but if
she feels like "I'm gonna be trapped here forever", she
is not going to feel financially secure. Maybe the two of you work very hard for a short time and
work toward some common goal, but don't do that to the extent that
it damages your relationship. And there is a 4th option, and that is a family
can lower it's standard of living. That's the best option, live within your means. Living within your means grants financial security, which
is her fourth need, which fills her emotional tank. Your marriage begins to thrive, even without the toys. So the # 1 need
of a woman, affection, # 2 conversation, # 3 transparency, # 4 financial
security. The # 1 need of
a man is sexual fulfillment, # 2 recreational playmate, # 3 an attractive
wife, # 4 is found in proverbs chapter 31, verse 10. It says, "The
wife of a noble character who can find? She's worth more than rubies." O.K. here's the gal who's worth more than rubies to a guy,
verse 11, "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks
nothing of value." Verse
13, "She selects wool and flax and works eagerly with her hands. She's like the merchant ships bringing food from afar." "She gets up" verse 15 says "when
it's still dark and provides food for her family and portions for
the servant girls." Verse 19, "In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle
with her fingers." Verse
21 says "when it snows she has no fear for her household, for
all of them are clothed in scarlet."
4. b.) You now what that's about?--domestic support. That's the #4 need of a man--help on the homefront. You see, most men feel
overworked. I'm not saying
how they are, that's how they feel. Most guys feel like they've done everything to make the standard
of living where it is. Most
guys feel, they have this unspoken
expectation, since they have worked so hard, that she ought to simplify their
lives by cooking the meals, washing the clothes, and keeping the
house picked up. I'm not
saying it's right, but I'm saying it's real. I really think that guys ought to be helping
out at home. The guys ought
to be helping out with the chores and all that. I do all that kind of stuff around the house, I think it's
healthy. But basically man feels like he needs domestic
support. He needs order in
his home. It's very important
to him. I'm not sure why, but it's very real. And despite all the women's lib stuff and the
idea of being Mr. Mom and the household chores and all that kind
of thing, it still isn't very popular with most men. Most men are looking for a woman to help manage the household
stuff. But guys, you oughta help. There was a great survey
done recently.
5. a.) #5 need of a woman. She
needs her man to be a good father. Ephesians
chapter 6, verse 4 says "Fathers, do not exasperate your children,
instead bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." The responsibility of the wellbeing of the family
and the children rests upon Dad. You are the trend-setter, the pace setter and that is what
you ought to be fulfilling in your relationship. And it's not surprising then that women have this as their
5th need. She has a profound need for you to love her
kids. If you are in a blended
family and you have stepchildren, men, love those children. She needs it. You fill her emotional tank when you love those children. You fill her emotional tank when you are patient
with those children. Women
seem to know instinctively what psychologists are finally discovering
that a man's role in the family is absolutely essential. And when a father avoids that role his wife loses her admiration
for him, her tank begins to drain, the marriage begins to suffer. [For
excellent resources on child rearing log onto Focus
on the Family’s website at: http://www.family.org ]
5. b.) The 5th need of a man--admiration. Ephesians 5:33 says the wife must respect her
husband. Ladies, every man
wants his wife to be proud of him. Every man needs and expects his wife to be his biggest fan. The whole world can be coming apart around him, and if you're
standing in his corner, he will make it. Honest admiration of him is a great motivation. Criticism, on the
other hand, will make him defensive. And yet when you admire him, when you tell him that you think
he's wonderful--and you appreciate the hard work he has done, whatever
it is--he will generally try to live up to your expectations and
he will die trying to be for you what he ought to be anyway--because
admiration inspires him.
And
so we all have an emotional tank. Love is fueled by the contents of that emotional tank. It is filled for women by affection, conversation,
transparency, financial support, and being a good father. It's filled for men by a fulfilling sex life,
a recreational friend, an attractive wife, a domestic support and
admiration.
It's
wonderful the way God made us isn't it? And now our job is to fulfill the mandates of the Scriptures,
and to apply to our relationships what we have learned, so that
the emotional tanks are full, so love can grow and last for a lifetime."
[Copyright
© Moore On Life,
Notes:
Your Needs,
Her Needs, Our Needs (Part II)
I. We all have
a need for spiritual fulfillment (covered in first tape)
II. We also have a second need, and that second need is a need for emotional fulfillment. You see, everyone has an emotional tank.
a. Most of our marital misunderstandings are due
to our failure to understand how to fill that other person's emotional
tank.
b. A person cannot fill his or her own emotional
tank by themselves, and they cannot empty it by themselves.
c. We all have this driving need to have this emotional
tank filled.
d. We make deposits in the other person's emotional
tank when we meet their emotional needs. We make withdrawals when we ignore their emotional
needs.
e.
The most important
things about this is that the fuel in that
emotional tank is the fuel upon which love burns. If love is to last a lifetime, we must know how to fill the
emotional tank of the person we live with in marriage.
f. The five basic emotional
needs of a man, and the five basic emotional needs of a woman:
1.a. Now two weeks ago we looked at the #1
need of a woman, and that was the need for affection.
1.b. The # 1 need of a man is for sexual
fulfillment.
2.a. The # 2 need of a woman is conversation. The second most significant was to fill her emotional tank,
to fuel love to burn for a lifetime is to communicate with her,
to converse with her. People fall in love as a result of the time
they spend exchanging conversation and affection.
2.b. A man's # 2 need is for a recreational playmate in his wife.
3.a. Her # 3 need is for transparency, openness
and honesty in her man gives a woman a sense of security. Her 3rd greatest need in her life is to know
you--what you're doing, and what you're feeling, and what are the
things you're afraid of--all of that, transparency. When you are transparent with her, her emotional tank is
filled and love grows. You've
got to be honest with her.
3.b. The 3rd need of a man is to have an
attractive wife. Men are
visually oriented.
4.a. The 4th need of a wife is for financial
security. Couples need to
learn to live within their means.
4.b. His # 4 need is for domestic support. That's the # 4 need of a man--help on the home-front.
5.a. The # 5 need of a woman is for her man
to be a good father.
5.b. The # 5 need of a
man--admiration. Criticism,
on the other hand, will make him defensive. But he will die trying to be for you what he ought to be
anyway--because your admiration inspires him.