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The
Bonding Ladder--What All Teens and Those Dating For Marriage Need to
Understand
We're
going to go back to the very first family, we're going to go see the
whole family that began when Adam said to the Lord, he said, "Lord,
I'm lonely." And God said,
"I understand that, you've been here alone a long time. Tell you what. I'll make you a companion. She'll be beautiful. She'll worship the ground upon which you walk,
she'll clean your house, she'll cook your food, she'll fulfill you every
dream." Adam says, "That
sounds great!" Adam says,
"That sounds expensive though, what's she going to cost me?"
and God said to Adam, "She'll cost you an arm and a leg." Adam thought about that a moment and said, "Lord,
what can I get for a rib?" And
that's how the whole process of family began. Now of course when Eve showed up Adam was very,
very pleased, and as he was commenting to the Lord about the beautiful
women that he'd created, you know, he said, "Lord, she is so beautiful.
Why'd you make her so beautiful?" And God said, "Adam, so you'll look at
her." And Adam said "Lord,
you made her skin so soft, why did make her have so soft skin?" And the answer was, "Adam, so that you
would love to touch her." And
Adam said a third question, he says, "Her voice, when she speaks
I just melt, why'd you make her voice that way?"
And the answer was "Adam, so that you would love to listen
to her." And then the fourth
question was, "But Lord, why'd you make her so stupid?" And God said "So she'd love you."
So that's how this whole thing began.
Not much of that you'll find in the Bible, but it makes for a
great story. We're going to talk today about that first family.
We're going to spend most of our time in the book of Genesis.
We're going to walk through the creation process and how God
created man and woman and how he expected them to respond to one another.
Let's go back to understand the bonding process that God built
into us as humans. So why don't
you take a look at Genesis chapter one, verse 27, and let's see if we
can give you some background on this bonding.
It says in Genesis 1:27, "So God created man in his own
image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created
them." Now at first reading, it appears that God created
Adam and Eve both at the same time, but in reality, the way the Hebrews
would often write, they would make an over-arching statement that would
give you the basics, then they would follow up with the details. [That is classic journalistic newspaper writing
style]. So Genesis chapter one
is the basics of creation. Genesis
2 is more of the detail. And
the interesting thing about this, it says, "So God created man
in his own image, in the image of God he create him..."
Now some aspects of God's personality are best described in male
terms and some aspects of God are best described in female terms. I'm not saying that God is a woman, so relax
on that one, but I am saying he is gracious, he is kind, his is compassionate
and he responds to us lovingly, kindly, supportively--which are often
associated with many female aspects.
But he can also be pretty tough on us too, which are generally
described more in terms of male aspects.
But the point is this. That
when God created Adam, man, he built into that man some elements of
personality that were distinctly male and some that were distinctly
female. Now for those of you
Biblical scholars who are going "Wait a minute, Dave.
You're making this up."
No, if you look at Genesis chapter two, verse seven, it says,
"The Lord God formed man from the dust of the ground and breathed
into his nostrils the breath of life." The Hebrew says "lives", it's plural.
One being and God breathed into him the breath of "lives",
and he became a living being, singular.
So understand that one man was created in the image of God with
the breath of "lives" in him,
and yet he was a singular being. Now
man was created in the image of God.
That's the first thing that you really need to jot down to understand
this. God is a relational being, God is really a relationship--Father,
Son and Holy Spirit. And it shouldn't
surprise us then that he creates us to be relational beings.
And there within that first man there were two distinctly different
aspects of his personality. Adam was so complete that he didn't even know
that he needed a companion. He
was completely fulfilled as a human being.
We know that because in Genesis chapter two verse 18 God had
to bring to the awareness of Adam that he needed a partner.
And so he brought alongside of Adam this animal parade as I call
it, where all the animals would be named, with the hope that Adam would
catch on to the fact that he needs a partner too.
In fact, let's just read it.
In Genesis 2:18 it says, "The Lord God said, 'It is not
good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him.
Now the Lord had formed out of the ground all the beasts of the
field and all the birds of the air, and he brought them to the man to
see what he would name them. So
the man gave names to all the livestock and all the birds of the air,
and all beasts of the field, but"--look at that last phrase--"but
for Adam no suitable helper was found."
So the purpose wasn't just to name all the animals, the purpose
was to find a suitable helper. And
no doubt as Adam was naming all these animals that are coming by, no
doubt he noticed that everybody had a date except him.
One two, one two, one two, and no doubt he noticed that everybody
had a companion that was different, a male and a female--male and female.
And this began to raise his awareness that "something is
missing from my life." And
no doubt he grew very nervous when he got to the last three creatures,
an aardvark, a rhinoceros and a hippo and he hadn't found a helper that
was suitable for him. Aren't you glad, gentlemen? You could be sitting next to an orangutan this
morning if that would have struck his fancy. He did not find a helper that was suitable for
him. And so, it says, "that woman was created
from the side of man." Look
at Genesis 2:21, right after the little animal parade it says, "So
the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep, and while he
was sleeping he took one of the man's ribs and closed up the place with
flesh. And then the Lord God made woman from the rib
he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man, and the
man said, 'This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh, and she
shall be called woman for she was taken out of man.'"
Man was created in the image of God with two distinctive elements,
some that are best described in female terms, and some that are best
described in male terms. Woman
was not created from the dirt of the ground like the animals and like
Adam, but was created from man. In
fact, that's what it says here. Literally,
in the Hebrew man was Ish and woman was Isha,
so it was kind of a "Ish, Isha, Uhh,"
that was kind of the initial response of these two. And she's called woman, and of course the entomology
of that one is --"WO! Man!"
I mean, that's the idea that's coming from Adam.
He said, 'Wrap her up God, I'll take her.
No on second thought I'll take her just the way she is!'
I mean, this lady scored on his mentalities and he really liked
what he saw. Now the third thing
to jot down under this is that, men and women were magnetically charged
toward one another. You see,
in Genesis 2:24 it says "For this reason a man shall leave his
father and mother, be united to his wife, they'll become one flesh."
You see, here it is in the beginning, Adam was created in the
image of God, with some distinctively male aspects of personality, some
distinctively female. Then woman
was separated from him. And the
female characteristics went with her.
And the male characteristics stayed with Adam.
We still have that distinctive difference in our lives today.
We spent two weeks talking about those innate differences in
our psyche as men and women. And
you see what happened is as they were pulled apart, there was a magnetic
charge between them to draw them back together, so that Adam would have
companionship, and Eve would have fellowship, and they would have a
relationship, because we are relational beings.
It's beautiful. I call it Velcro of the souls. That's what God really did. There was this ripping sound, Adam & Eve,
and then they had this strong desire, pull to come back together. In this wonderful bonding process God created
you to bond with another human being.
And even the bonding process is mentioned in these verses, you
can see it. There was 1st
the looking, Adam looked,
and he said, "I like what I see." And then there was the leaving. It says "and
for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother." And now Adam didn't leave Mom and Dad, because
they weren't around. But from
then on out it was like "See ya Mom and
Dad, I like her." Or, "I
like him." And then there
was the next step in that boding process, where there's the uniting, and the final step where there is one flesh, they're naked and unashamed. So what I want you to catch this morning, as
we begin to understand this, is the background on a bonding, is that
God created us to have that Velcro of the souls to come together and
be united and be fulfilled in that relationship.
That was his plan. And
the process is outlined in these verses I just mentioned.
Looking, leaving, uniting
and one flesh. And within that process of those four major
steps there are three minor steps between each of them, and I want to
touch on them so you'll understand how this bonding process happens.
1.
First Major Stage--The Look So
the very first thing that happened that's in the process of bonding,
there
is the look. Genesis
2:23, the man said, "This is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh,
she'll be called woman because she was taken out of me", and the
point is "I like what I see Lord!" And there was that look, the first initial contact
between Adam and Eve. There were
three stages to it. And in every
civilization throughout this world, every group of people go through
these same 12 steps that we're going to talk about that are really under
the four main headings of look,
then leave, then unite, and one flesh. a. And so the first thing (or step) that happens
is Eye to body. So write that one down.
Under the "look" write "eye to body".
Nothing sexual here, it is simply that feeling you get when you
see somebody and say "Where have you been all my life?"
You all remember that. That
feeling of "What a spectacular human being." Or when you're a junior high-er and ask yourself
"why is my heart pounding like this?" because you really don't
understand. I still remember
the first time I saw Marylyn in kindergarten.
"Where have you been all my life!"--all three years,
you know, thump, thump, thump, "Marylyn!"
You see, it does that to us, there is that "Whoa!" And that's
the first step.
b.
The second step under the looking process is eye to eye. There's nothing sexual here either, gazing into
the eyes of someone else. It's
that feeling that says, "I can't seem to keep my eyes off you and
I don't even know your name", and you find yourself staring. And suddenly when you're caught staring, it's
like "Oops!", you're a little embarrassed. Because, you see, within that nature, the way
God made every single one of us, is that when you meet a stranger on
the street and your eyes meet, you'll instinctively look away. Ever notice that? And when you look away, you say, "I'm not
interested." "I don't
want to talk, this relationship is going nowhere--Boom!"--look
away. But, you see, on the other hand, when you make
eye contact, and you continue to make eye contact, and perhaps then
there's a little smile, it sends a powerful message that says "We
just might get better acquainted."
And every human being in the bonding process goes through those
first two stages, first the Look--"Hey, where you been all my life!?"--and
second, the eye to eye--it sends the signal "Let's get acquainted."
c.
And that leads to the third step, and that is the voice to voice. That is when you first say that opening line,
what you guys practiced when you were junior-high-ers. You know, "Haven't I met you somewhere
before?" You know, all those
crazy lines that guys use that ladies get so sick of hearing, but there
is that opening line. 2nd Major Stage--Leaving And then God described in Genesis 2, verse 24
the leaving. It says, "for
this reason". What reason? The bonding process, "a man shall leave
his father and mother." In
the leaving process there are a couple of steps involved and everybody
goes through these. It's very
normal for a boy's interest to shift from Mommy to Melanie, or for a
little girl's interest to shift from Daddy to Derrick.
I mean, that's the way God made us.
We suddenly are no longer quite so interested in Mom and Dad,
and there are bold new horizons out there, and so you begin to leave
Mom and Dad, and you begin to look for a person for whom you can bond
with. a. And that usually begins after these first three
steps, with the hand to hand,
that's the fourth step. So
write that one down. It's not
hand to hand combat, it's hand to hand holding.
And it's a social statement.
It says "we're in this together.
"It's not necessarily romantic, it can just say "I
like you." "we have
a good relationship." In
fact, in many cultures of the world boys hold hands with boys and girls
hold hands with girls. And that's
just part of the whole bonding process that's a social statement that
says "we're going to stick together."
b.
The next step of this is the hand to shoulder, that's the 5th step. And it's not a hug, it is a sideways thing where
you pull somebody close together to you and it just basically says as
you put your arm on her shoulder, "we have a special relationship." It's the same thing that says "It's great
to see you." It's the same
thing that says "I'll miss you, and I look forward to seeing you
again." Purely above board,
but it is a part of the bonding process.
c.
And then their is the sixth step, and that is hand to waist. And this
is what you've seen so many junior-high-er's do, where they put their arm around each other,
and they put their hand right on the waist right there, and they're
locked together and they can hardly walk because they are squeezed so
closely together. Well, that's
this step. They're glued together at the hip, and at this
point communication becomes more intimate, you're moving closer. You're saying "we have a lot in common",
and "we have a lot to talk about." And this,
by the way, is the last chance to get out of the bonding process without
hurting someone. Because,
you see, when you go on to the next steps, suddenly dignity is on the
line. When you go on to steps 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, and
12 the higher the step, the more dignity is on the line. And so, young people, who are just casually
dating, casually developing friendships, ought to stop right here. Now I know that sounds rather narrow minded
and old fashioned, but there's good reason to.
Because then your heart isn't on the line and your dignity isn't
on the line, and if you decide you don't really like this person, it's
easy to walk away and there are no strings attached.
We really need that kind of freedom for our young people. So you older guys, if you're dating someone,
and you're really not that interested in marriage, you ought not be
going any further up this bonding ladder than here--because you're only
bringing potential hurt and pain to the one you're dating--and being
very selfish in the process. If
you don't want to buy the land, stop drinking from the well, it's not
yours! And it's not fair. It amounts to leading someone on, tying up their
interests in you when you have no intentions of getting serious about
the relationship. I would say
going further than this when there is no immediate interest in marriage
amounts to sin, plain and simple. God's
Law exists so people don't hurt people.
Going further up the bonding ladder when no immediate interest
in marriage is there hurts the other person.
Isn't that sin? 3rd
Major Stage--Uniting So, first there is the looking, then there is
the leaving, and then it says in Genesis 4:24, it says, "for this
reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be united to his
wife." That's
the 3rd major stage, with three minor's also. There is the uniting. This is the first
intimate contact. King James
Bible says "cleave", so it's "Look, leave and cleave". It rhymes kind of nicely and it's easy to remember
those basic steps. But in this
stage there are three minor steps. a. Step number
seven, which is face-to-face. This is where that person is no longer at
your side, but suddenly they are in front of you, face to face. You're staring into one another's eyes. It is
at this point that intimate kissing begins.
And it's at this point that a full frontal hug takes place. You see, there are two kinds of hugs you can
give to someone. One kind of
hug is the non-sexual hug and we have a built in mechanism that God
gave us to help send a signal to someone and that is, when you hug someone
and you pat 'em on the back, it means that there is no sexual interest
here. You'll be amazed how often that happens. But on the other hand when a guy grabs a girl
or a girl grabs a guy and there's just the bear hug, or maybe the massaging
of the back, it sends a powerful message that you're moving up this
bonding ladder. So that's the
next step, the face to face.
b.
And then there is the hand
to head [step # 8]. And in the hand to head part of this uniting
process, it's when you finally allow someone else close enough to you
to touch your face, to touch your head, to stroke your hair, to trace
your ear. You see, we're very sensitive about who touches
our heads. You know it's a very
vulnerable part of our body and so we don't really let too many people
get too close to us. We instinctively
protect it. And so whenever we
finally allow someone to get close enough to touch our heads, we are
putting a lot of ourselves on the line, we're demonstrating a tremendous
amount of trust.
c.
And then
there is the next step, and that is the 9th step of the uniting
process--and that is the hand
to body. And this is where you have greater freedom to
touch one another, not a sexual touch, touching private parts here,
but rather you're free enough to touch that person's thigh or to slap
'em on the backside and say "See you later" or whatever it
is. But the point is, is that you have greater freedom
to touch one in places other than private parts. And that is the uniting process [or stage].
So there is the leaving, and then there is the uniting. 4th
Stage--One Flesh And then there is finally in the bonding process
of Genesis 2, it says in verse 24, "for this reason a man shall
leave his father and mother, and be united to his wife, and become one flesh." There's the one flesh, that's the final stage, that's total intimacy. It says in verse 25 "they were naked and
felt no shame." That's the
way God created us to be. Now
there are three more steps, 10, 11 and 12 that we could list for you,
but we'd lose our PG rating here, and so we're not going to go through
those. Just use your imagination and you're probably
pretty close, and the ultimate is you become one flesh, uniting sexually
with one another. Now it's important
to understand the bonding process for a couple of reasons. One is because your first bond, that Velcro
of your souls coming together, tends to affect all later bonds. And that's because God really designed us to
have that bond that will last for a lifetime.
I know that's not popular, I know it will be offensive to some
of you, but that's God's standard and God's ideal.
Now when we fall short of his ideal, he graciously comes alongside
of us and helps us out, but that's the ideal. But the second thing to understand about
this bonding process, that once you've traveled up that bonding ladder,
future trips are traveled much more quickly.
The tragedy of what's happening to a generation of young people
is that they have quickly rushed up that bonding ladder, they are experiencing
one another sexually, but because they haven't taken the time to work
through the steps, the ladder is weak at the bottom, the bonding has
not really occurred, and so they get up here to the intimacy of the
one flesh experience, and of course it doesn't have the fulfilling and
meaning that it should because there's no intimacy involved, it's only
an act, and as a result the relationship falls apart.
And what happens then is that people tend to rush on into the
next one, and they quickly travel up that bonding ladder, and they find
no fulfillment again. Because that first imprint of that first initial
bond colors all the rest of the bonding process. That's why we have to shout loudly and clearly
to our young people--so they understand this process--so they can protect
that future one lifelong bond. The goal for a couple who is bonded together
[in marriage] is to travel up and down that bonding ladder regularly,
several times during the week, every single week, so that bond stays
strong. [This
article was created from excerpts from Pastor Dave Moore's sermon The Anatomy of an Affair. Pastor Moore is Senior Pastor of Southwest
Community Church, in Palm Desert, California.] |