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1st Peter 3:1-6
"Likewise
ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also
may without the word be won by the conversation [conduct, lifestyle] of the
wives; while they behold your chaste conversation [lifestyle] coupled with fear; whose adorning let it
not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let
it be the
hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which
is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in old time the holy women also, who trusted in
God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord: whose daughters ye are,
as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement."
The Two Different
Languages Found Within Marriage
Putting It In Context With Chapter
Two
"Marriage,
I keep in my mind saying mawage, ah sacred. Culture at war against
that truth. The only thing that's
come to us, from the other side of "the fall", the only thing that's survived
Eden is marriage. It was there
where God gave instruction "for this cause shall a man leave his mother and
father and cleave to his wife, the two shall be one flesh," they were naked,
they were not ashamed, that was before the fall. And as God surveyed his Creation every day, beheld what he
made, it was very good, until he says, Genesis chapter 2, verse 18, 'It's
not good that man should be alone,' that's the first time in the Scripture he says
something's not good. And it says 'Male
and female created he them.' And it describes for us that first
marriage between Adam and Eve. Then of course there's never been a perfect marriage since. Sin enters the picture, there's the
fall, and the only thing we have that has survived God's original intention,
the only thing we have from the other side of the fall is marriage. It's sacred. There was something in it that which reflected something of
God's nature, something that man could never have reflected by himself. So sacred that in the Old Testament
adultery was a capital crime. Ah,
you didn't need divorce lawyers, because if there was adultery, the guilty
partner was put to death, that's how sacred marriage was to the Lord, because
life itself sprang forth from marriage. In the beginning of this nation [the United States of America], there
was only fault-divorce. There was
no such thing as no-fault divorce. Our founding fathers, and for the first 200 years of this nation, if you
were going to get divorced, it was either for adultery, abuse, or
desertion. Those were the three
reasons, adultery, cruelty, or desertion. Because there was such a dependence on the standard of God that they
knew that was the only reason really that the Scripture condoned divorce. So, marriage, so important. We have a generation of troubadours,
Rappers, Rhymers, Hard Rockers, ah, Gil just putting articles in front of me on
the way home from the West Coast, this generation of people, the Pied Pipers of
this generation, so many of them from broken homes, so many of them filled with
bitterness, so many of them singing of hatred and these things, setting the
standard towards an older generation, destructive in so many ways. Now, look, as we go through this,
divorce is not the unpardonable sin, anybody whose been through that, and
certainly there are enough, this is not to condemn. But this is to look at the standard that God has set, and
say, you know, 'Why? Why does he want these things?' And throughout this he's appealing to a higher nature, he begins by
saying in verse 1, "Likewise ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands;" we know right away he's appealing to a
higher nature, because if he would have saved "subjection" for the last
sentence so he could get through his point, but he's not afraid to stick it
right in there. "Likewise ye
wives, be in
subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may
without the word be won by the conversation [lifestyle, conduct] of the wives;
while they behold your chaste conversation [lifestyle, conduct] coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that
outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; but let
it be the
hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which
is in the sight of God of great price. For after this manner in old time the holy women also, who trusted in
God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord: whose daughters ye are,
as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." (verses
1-6) So, "likewise" sets the stage for him
to move into this, and it's "likewise" looking back into chapter 2, verse
13, where he says "Submit
yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord's sake: whether it be to the
king, as supreme, or unto governors," and he goes through all of that. In verse 18, it
says, "Servants," or
employees "be subject to your masters" or employers,
and goes through that. And in verse
23 it says, "who" Christ, himself, "when he was
reviled, reviled not again; when he suffered, he threatened not; but he
committed himself to him that judgeth righteously" he committed himself to his Father. And so it comes now to where we have chapter 3. There was no chapter break when Peter
wrote this, and he says "Likewise," And what he's saying is that there is
order. There is order in civil
government, there is order in governmental affairs, there is order in service
and employment, there has to be order with an employer and employee. There is spiritual order, and there is
to be marital order. There's order
in the marriage. [This is talking
of course to the Church, the Body of Christ, and not the world in
general.] And it's interesting,
that gets more Press than all of the other things, this picture of what should
be happening in the home, it gets more print. And I think that's because the Scripture is keenly aware
that, you know, it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a family
to raise a village, and the family is the building block of government, of all
of these other institutions. So
when he's going through this, talking about God's order in civil government, in
employment, even Christ himself was submitted to the order of God, even in the
way he yielded himself and gave himself on the cross, it was part of God's
order. And then he comes and he
says 'Likewise you wives,' now in verse 7 he's
going to say 'Likewise you husbands.' So don't be afraid, no one will escape here. Ah, this is what he says, ladies, if you have a husband
whose not living according to, definite article in the Greek, "the Word,
then you without" no
article, it should be translated "a word" or just "word" it's small "w", speaking of your mouth. So, 'if you have a husband, that
if any of you have a husband whose no living according to the Scripture, the Word, then you wives, without a word' small "w" 'without your mouth
may win your husbands by your chaste conversation.' Now
"conversation" is an old King James word, it's not saying 'ladies if your
husband is either an unbeliever or carnal, he's obstinate, that's the idea,
he's not obeying the Word, he's not yielded to it, 'then you without your
mouth can win your
husband by having conversations with him,' that's not what it's saying, that would be
contradictory. "Conversation" is
the old word for your "lifestyle," the way you live. What it's saying is, 'If your husband is not living
according to the Word, or you don't agree with what he's doing, then without a
word, by the way you live, by your example, win' and the idea is win someone over, to
bring them over, 'by your godly example,' and it says, verse 2, "while they
behold," while they
watch, while they look at "your chaste conversation," your pure lifestyle, or your godly
lifestyle, "coupled with fear." i.e. with
reverence. So it puts some things
in front of us here, telling us what should happen. Ah, is your husband a non-believer? We have lots of ladies that come, and
they struggle with that. And some
of them have gotten saved, and said, "It's remarkable, their husbands treat
them worse since they've been saved." We've had men come, and they don't go
to Atlantic City with their wife anymore, they're not out drinking anymore, and
it drives their wives crazy, and they divorce them, because they [the husbands]
want to live their life the right way. I mean, to me all of that's crazy. But if you have a husband whose not walking with the Lord, he's not a
believer, or you have a husband who you don't agree with, who you think is
carnal, who you think is not living according to the Scripture, what do you
do? I'll tell you what you don't
do. It doesn't say...let me say this
first, 'It doesn't say women are subject to men.' Ok? Women are equal
spiritually. It doesn't say 'Women
are subject to men.' This is in the context of marriage and
of wives and husbands. Ladies, it
doesn't say if you have a fiance, you're engaged to somebody, that you're
supposed to submit to him, don't let anybody you're engaged to tell you
that. That's stupid, and it just
causes trouble. You're not
supposed to be yielded in that way until you're married. And I'll let you know when that is, if
you do it here. It doesn't say 'Ladies,
if your husband is not doing what you think he should do, preach to him. Argue theology with him, go to church
seven days a week, because if he don't listen to you, that's the only place you
can have any strength. It doesn't
say 'write messages inside his glasses, so when he gets up in the morning, he
puts them on, it says Repent or go to hell, inside of his glasses.' It doesn't say play your praise music as loud as you
possibly can to drive him out of his mind. It doesn't say put plaques in the closet where he goes to
get his shirt, you know, 'Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the
church,' ah, it
doesn't say nag. Because all of
those things can be a form of nagging. It doesn't say do that.
If You Have A
Husband You Can't Approach Through His Ears, Then God Can Help You Approach Him
Through His Eyes
It
says, 'If you have a husband that you can't approach through his ears,
then God can help you approach him through his eyes.' If
you're raping his ears, he doesn't want to hear, you're giving him "the
business," he's walking around, 'and if you don't turn to Christ, and this
is the way, and if you don't go to church, you're going to go to hell,' he may be thinking "That would be a
relief at this point, just to get away from you." It
says not to do that, because if you live in front of him a certain way, he
makes the decision to let you in the eye-gate. You're violating the ear-gate, but he willingly, if you live
the right way, and you act the right way, he's going to turn around and even
when you walk away, he's going to think 'Why she being so nice? it really
bugs me,' and he's
going to let that in, it says. So
the approach can be then through the eyes. Now look, it says "while they behold," ok? in verse 2, "while they behold", that's to think about, to look at,
very interesting, it was used in classical Greek sometimes of a spectator at
the Olympics, the Games. Now you
know how your husband is. Ladies
can we talk? Just pretend it's
just us here. You know how your
husbands are maybe when they're watching, it's Sunday, 3 o'clock when the
Eagles are on, you see how they are. They're a spectator at a sports spectacle. And in that circumstance you can say 'Honey, can you do
this? Honey, do you know that...' and they're going 'Uh-huh, un-huh,
uh-huh, un-huh.' They've learned to let something in the
eye-gate at the same time they respond to sound, and don't even know what
they're responding to. So that
later that day, they'll say 'Do you know...' and you'll say "I told you that in the first quarter,
and you said Uh-hum and acted like you were listening to me.' So he's going to choose to let something in. Now, if he's going to "behold," he's going to watch you, he's going to
think about something, it says certain things here. First of all there should be a chaste lifestyle. There should be the kind of lifestyle
that should be in keeping with what you profess to believe. Instead of just preaching at him, he's
going to read your life way more than he's going to read the Bible. So it says first of all, the way
you live in front of him. It says 'your
chaste lifestyle coupled with reverence.' And we're
going to talk about what that means. 'Coupled with reverence," that should be there. If you're reverent towards God, then there should be a
reverence in the home.
'Beauty Is Only
Skin Deep, But Ugly Goes Clean To The Bone'
And
number three, it says 'you're adorning,' look at verse 3, "Whose adorning
let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or
putting on of apparel; but let it be the hidden man of the heart," So it's saying this. Well, what's it not saying again? It's not prohibiting, this verse, because there are some who
take this the wrong way. It's not
saying 'Ladies, you can't take care of yourself.' Because there are some legalistic parts of the Church [Body of Christ]
and then some Holiness parts of the Church that say 'Ladies, you can't wear
makeup,' that say, 'Ladies,
you can't wear jeans, ladies, you're not allowed to wear jewelry, you can't fix
up your hair.' Now, ugly doesn't make sense to
me. OK? If you're asking your husband to behold you, there's no
sense looking as bad as you can. That's what it's saying, "while he beholds you," Hygiene, neatness, is just respectful. I don't want my wife to look frumpy. It's not saying that. What it's saying, the hair here, the
plaiting of the hair, Clement of Alexandria, some of the church fathers talk
about Roman women, the way they would stack up their hair in layers and layers
and layers, sometimes it would be stacked up a foot above their head, and it
would take them hours to do it, and would put all kinds of gold [dust] in it,
and they would sleep sitting up, because they'd be scared to death if they laid
down and rolled over at night it would mess it all up. And they were obsessed with it, it
would be sticking up on top of their head, this high. And the way they would dress, it would be carnal, it would
be seductive. What he's saying here, 'The outward should not be your priority, the inward should be your
priority.' Kenneth Wiest in his Greek translation
of the New Testament translates this, he says, "Let it not only be
the outward adorning," "not only the outward adorning." There's two reasons women should wear makeup. One is because they want to, or they need to. There's no excuse in our culture today,
everybody can look good. Outward
is not to be the priority, that's what he's saying here. Worldly women dress to kill. Worldly women dress to be
seductive. They dress to kill
because, Solomon says, they take a young man, and they lure him to themselves,
and he's like an ox going to the slaughter. And I appreciate the fact that there are those out there
that are dressed to kill. But
ladies, it doesn't say you need to look bad. That's ridiculous. If your husband's out there all day, facing ladies who are dressed to
kill, and then he comes home, and you've got curlers in your hair, wearing a
bathrobe, and you look like a sack of potatoes and smell like bacon and coffee,
that's a tough situation to come home to. It doesn't say that. I want
my wife to look nice. I enjoy my
wife. I enjoy being with her. I'm attracted to her. It's saying 'not only to dress
that way, not to make that a priority,' "Adorning"
here, it's very interesting, the word is used 189 times in the New Testament,
it's the word cosmos, and
it means "the ordered universe." This is the only time it's used this way. 188 other times it's translated "world" and it speaks of the
universe. The cosmos, the opposite
of that in the Greek is chaos, chaos. Cosmos was
God arranging or bringing order out of chaos. He brought order out of things. So your adorning, there is to be order, cosmetics comes from
the word cosmos...but
you have that word cosmetics there, related to that. He's saying here, "Whose adorning" now your "chaste conversation," your
"reverence," your "adorning" shouldn't only be the outward adorning, like
worldly women, because he's going to see through that. If you look real nice on the outside, but your attitude is real
bad, that is not
going to go very far. I remember
growing up as a kid, we had a saying "That beauty is only skin deep, but
ugly goes clean to the bone." What it's saying is, 'What sense
is there, the impression of you should not come from the drug store, it should
come from the heart. What's the
sense of putting on the outward, and the New Testament forbids hypocrisy
throughout, putting on the outward, when the inward can have such a bad and
corrupt attitude?' [Comment: Jesus condemned the Pharisees and scribes for the same type
of thing, his condemnation of their hypocrisy and outward show taking up the
entire 23rd chapter of Matthew.] He says their adorning should not be just in that sense, he
says, "but let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and
quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price." (verse 4) It doesn't mean wives you should walk around in total silence. That's not what it's talking
about. Meek means "not
quarrelsome, not contentious," if you're going to adorn yourself with
something, it shouldn't just be the outward, there's nothing wrong with
that. But it should be with
something that's inward that's not corruptible, and he says first of all that's
a spirit that's not quarrelsome, contentious. Quiet is not the idea of never talking or never making a
sound, quiet means "tranquil." You
know, there's someone who can talk to you, and they're of a tranquil spirit,
and you can listen to them, and you can listen to them for a long time. There's somebody else whose got a
troubled spirit, and they talk to you for ten minutes, and you want to jump out
a window. It says 'a meek
and tranquil spirit, tranquil or not causing disturbance to others. And it says in God's sight, that's of
great price.' God puts a great estimation on it. Because Jesus, the only
autobiographical characteristic he ascribes to himself in all four Gospels, the
only place you find Jesus ascribe something to his own character is he says "I
am meek and lowly at heart. Take
my yoke upon you, learn of me." He says, "You'll find rest for
your souls." So, nothing wrong with meekness. It says in God's sight that is of great
value, "For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who
trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own
husbands." (verse 5) Now, holy women is believing
women. Ladies, sisters, all of you
that are believers are holy women. Holy women were not floating off the ground, not leaving footprints in
the sand, classical music playing in the background when they came into the
room, glowing in the dark, that's not holy women. My wife's a holy woman and she doesn't do any of that stuff. It's believing women, believing women
in the sense that they trusted in God, it says. "after this manner...holy women also, who trusted in God," they "adorned themselves," with this meek and quiet spirit,
inward beauty, "being in subjection to their own husbands: even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling
him lord:" now
obviously, we're not asking you ladies to go home and call your husband
lord. Ok? There is something cultural here. We're not asking you to call your
husband lord. Of course, your
attitude can still say that, though. OK? Your attitude can still
say that. That's very important,
your attitude can still say that. It's the idea of "sir", it was a term of respect in the culture. "Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him
lord: whose daughters ye are, as
long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement." (verse 6) Swindol says we don't have any need of hearing [as
believers] we've heard it all. We
have enough knowledge. What we
lack is doing. We know what
Ephesians says, chapter 5. We know
what 1st Peter 3 says, we know what it says in Proverbs (Proverbs
31). And the challenge is, what we
need is doing,
not knowing, not hearing only, but doing it as James says (cf. James
1:22-25). He says, "whose
daughters ye are, as long as ye do well," and look, "and are not afraid with any amazement." Now what that means, 'Lord, you're not married to this man. If I am respectful and I am reverent
towards him and have that kind of an attitude, he's going to turn me into a
doormat!' And what you're saying is, 'I'm not
like those women of old who trusted in the Lord, because Lord, I don't trust
you.' Verse 25 in chapter 2 says, For ye were as sheep going
astray; but are now returned unto the Shepherd and Bishop of your souls." This passage appeals to the higher nature in us, that you
and I as men and women, we're going to get to husbands, are willing to look
first of all vertically, and say "Lord, I trust you, I'm not just his wife,
Lord I am your wife in this marriage. And you have a role for me to fulfill, and you can write out the
script." "Lord, I am not just her
husband, I am your husband in this marriage, and I can see in your Word what
you require of me." And it asks then of these wives, who
are being challenged, the overall challenge is look, 'You have a husband
whose not doing what you think that husband needs to do.' You can nag him to death, or you can trust God, whose
asking you without a word, rather by modeling Christ, by living the right way,
you can reach that man, not through his ears, but through his eyes. And your adorning, don't waste all of
your time just trying to fix up the outside, because it's something internal
that needs to fall in line with God's will in the marriage that will produce
success, ultimately. The holy
women you read about in the Scripture understood this. Sara obeyed, that word means "to be
attentive to." She was "attentive
to the needs of her husband." Ladies, can your husbands sit and tell you 'Honey, this is how I
feel' ? Can they do that? You know, isn't it funny, husbands have
feelings. Now they don't talk
about them very much. But they're
there. We have feelings just like
everybody else, and get hurt like everybody else. She was attentive to him, to her husband, Sarah was, to his
needs. Do these things.
Love &
Reverence, Love & Respect: Two
Major Keys To A Successful Relationship
Now
look. It comes down to something
very interesting here. In verse
2, it says, "your
chaste conversation [lifestyle] coupled with fear," that being "reverence." Fear there, that's the word "reverence." In fact, it's the same word that's used
in Ephesians chapter 5 by Paul, when he sums up marriage, he says "Nevertheless, let every one of
you in particular so love his wife even as himself, and the wife see that she reverence" that's our same
word, "her husband." "see that she reverence her
husband." What both Paul and Peter say through
the Holy Spirit is that 'love and reverence, love and respect are the
keys to a successful relationship.' That love
and respect are the things that are necessary. And that if a husband doesn't love the wife, sacrificially
[i.e. agape-love her], and if a wife doesn't respect her husband, particularly
with her mouth, then it's a destructive force in the marriage. Solomon, who was the wisest man that
ever lived said these things, and he was talking about the capacity that a
woman with her mouth can drive away her husband, or a woman with her mouth can
draw her husband in, that both things can take place.
Solomon Showed A Woman Can Do One Of
Two Things With Her Mouth
This
is what Solomon said, I'll just read some of these, and he agrees with Paul and
Peter, he says, "Better is a dry morsel and quietness therewith, than a
house full of sacrifices with strife." That it's
better to have a quiet house with just a morsel of food, than great sacrifices,
you know, grilled lamb, with strife. Again, he would say this, "A foolish son is a calamity to his father,
but the contentions of a wife are a continual dripping." That to a man, a contentious wife is like a leak in a
roof. Now ladies, you may not
understand that, but I'll tell you this, a leak in the roof will drive me out
of my mind. We had a leak in our
living room the other year, and it was coming out of the light fixture in the bay
window, it was lightning, it was pouring in, and it just drove me out of my
mind. I went and got the aluminum
ladder [oh no, an aluminum ladder, water, coupled to an electric light fixture,
not a good combination Pastor Joe!] outside with a flashlight, holding it in my
teeth, and a rain coat, and I got masking tape, and the kids are crying out, 'You're
going to get struck by lightning!' and I said 'I don't care. I
don't care if I get struck by lightning, the leak is driving me out of my mind,
water's not coming in my house. I
work hard for this, water's not running in here.' There's just something about that, and it says a
contentious wife is like a continual dripping. Then Solomon says this, and he had 700 wives, he knew what
he was talking about. [laughter.] [That's why I don't think Solomon remained the wisest man on earth, not
with 700 wives and 300 concubines. The Law said that a king was not to multiply wives to himself, and he
went against that law.] This is
not a man whose inexperienced. He
said this, "It is better to dwell in the corner of the housetop than with a
contentious woman in a great big house." They had flat
roves on the houses, and he said 'It is better to move outside, up on a
roof, than to be down there, if she doesn't let up and give you any peace,
she's just arguing all the time.' Then down in verse 19 he says 'It's better to dwell in
the wilderness, than in a house with a contentious wife, you drive a man out of
his mind.' So first it was like a dripping, then
he moved out onto the roof, and then finally he got on the bus and he headed
out into the wilderness, there's a progression here. Look, he also says this, the wisest man that ever lived,
that we as men should yield to wisdom and knowledge, it says "to deliver thee
from the strange woman, even from the stranger which flattereth with her
words." Again, Solomon says, this puts a man in
danger, "The lips of a strange woman drop as a honeycomb, and her mouth is
smoother than oil." And ladies, there's some honey-dripping
women out there, and you need to understand that, your husbands face them. It says this, Solomon, that "Wisdom
and knowledge and reproof are the way of life, to keep thee from the evil
woman, from the flattery of the tongue of the strange woman." Again, Solomon says this, and I could go on and on, I'll read a few more
there, he says, "Say to wisdom, Thou art my sister, call understanding they
kinswoman, that they may keep thee from the strange woman, from the stranger
which flattereth with her words." Again, he says this, "With her much
fair speech she causes him to yield." Talking about a foolish man, and a
woman "with her much fair speech she causes him to yield, with her
flattering lips she forces him, he goes after her straightway as an ox goes to
the slaughter." Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived
said 'Look, ladies, in a contentious house, it's better to move out, it's
better to live on the roof, it's better to take the bus Gus, and head for the
wilderness.' And on the other side, he says the
enemy, Satan, knows this, and he goes through all of these places that a woman
who understands the power of her tongue to compliment, instead of nag, and say
the right thing, can force a man with her flattery, by saying the right thing. It says, "Male and female created he
them." Very specifically, that men and women
are different. [To see some of
those differences, and differing needs a man and a woman have, complimentary,
but not the same, see http://www.HOWMARRIAGEWORKS.COM.] Ladies, if your husband is here with you, ask him, "Is that
true, honey, do your really feel that way? Do I drive you away by nagging, and it is easier to be around
me when I order my behavior the right way and say the right things?" [Husbands, be careful how you answer
that one.] Extremely
important.
Husbands &
Wives, Women & Men Speak Two Different Languages
Husbands
are under a divine command, we're going to go there next week in Scripture, to agape' their wives, to love their wives
sacrificially. Over and over, the
Scripture commands the husband to agape' his wife. There is nowhere in the New Testament, anywhere, not a
single verse, where the wife is commanded to agape' her husband. There's one verse in Titus, where is
says the aged women should teach the younger women to love their husbands, and
it's phileo there,
to be friends with their husbands, to be fond of their husbands. There's not a single place in the New
Testament, ladies, where you're commanded to agape' your husbands. And do you know why? Because God doesn't need to command you
to do what he has designed you to do. That is your standard, wives will love their husbands without being
commanded. They need to be
commanded to respect their husbands. Husbands will respect their wives, that doesn't mean a whole lot to
them, they need to be commanded to love their wives. Because those are two different ways of communicating, they
are two different value systems, and they are two different languages. One author I read said marriage is a
great way to keep us from arguing with strangers. General Montgomery in World War II, British general, talking
to his troops said, "Men, don't even think about marriage until you have
mastered the art of war." [laughter] Now these are worldly, Ann Landers at one point had to
interview this person who said, "Every woman should marry an archeologist,
that way the older she gets, the more interested he'll become." And there's all of these quips and there is all of this
stuff, but the truth is, the truth is, we speak a different language, we relate
to these things in a different way. Do you know, ladies, that women age and get wrinkles more than men? Now there's been a lot of money spent
on research on that, I hope you appreciate this information. And research has shown that's because a
woman's way more emotional, she laughs, she frowns, she cries, she smiles, you
know, your face does so many different things relative to your emotions that it
gets wrinkled. And what are husbands? They're just, you know,
pokerfaced. You get in an argument
with your wife, and I have one, I'm speaking from experience, it's taken me 26
years to learn how to do this with her, where all of the emotion with her will
just pull on the face, whereas when she argues with me I just, just shutdown
[the words Stonewall Jackson mean anything to you?]. You're married to one of those, aren't you, the pokerface
there. And the problem is, that's
because there's a different value system, in an argument the wife says "We
need to talk, we really need to talk. I need to talk to somebody, and if you don't talk to me, I'm going to go
talk to somebody, because I'll go to the pastor, because we really need to
talk," [It's not just in an argument, log onto http://www.HOWMARRIAGEWORKS.COM and click on that
study titled "He Said, She Said" and read about the differences in the way men
and women communicate, and why women communicate the way they do, needing to
voice what they're thinking out loud to the special person she's married
to. There is a basic fundamental
reason for that which was designed to bind the two of you together.]
Those Two Languages
Defined: Love Is The Air Women
Breathe, Respect Is The Air Men Breathe
Because,
to her, ladies, what's, the key to marriage is what? You all said that, communication. The key to marriage is communication. Every woman knows that. And to them, love and talking go
together, 'If he loves me, he'll talk to me, and I love him, so when we get
in an argument I want to talk to him, I need to talk,' and he's already pokerfaced, he's gone
already...And it's interesting, the research shows, 85 percent of women, when
they get in an argument, they move closer to their husband, and they talk
more. So it's only 85 percent,
it's not a rule across the board. 85 percent of husbands move away from their wives, and stonewall. Why is that? There's a researcher in Washington State University, Dr.
John Godham, and he's written a book that's called "Why Marriages Succeed Or
Fail", he is not a
Christian. He is one of the
leading researchers in the United States, and he can, within five minutes of
talking to a couple, 91 percent of his predictions are accurate, within a five
minute conversation, he can predict whether that marriage will succeed or fail,
and there's statistics to prove it. And in his book, "Why Marriages Succeed Or Fail" he has boiled down the success of
marriage to two things, Love & Respect. This is not something outdated that we get from Solomon or
from what God gives to us through Paul or through Peter, this is empirical
data, this is quantitative, you can look up this man's books, you can read
these things on your own, and see what he's talking about. He said, one man he talked to, he said "Every
time I get in an argument with my wife, she gets historical," he said, "You mean hysterical." He said, "No, I mean historical, she drags up everything from the
past that's ever gone wrong before." And she wants
to talk. And on video they show a
husband and a wife in an argument, and 80 percent of the wives said 'I know
why she's crying, look at the way he treated her, no wonder she's crying.' 80 percent of the men said, 'No wonder he walked away, I know exactly
why he walked away, I saw what she did there.' Because
there's a different language. Look, most men and women get married because they love each other. I mean, men and women don't think 'I
really despise this person, we should get married.' That's not how it happened in the beginning. How it happened in the beginning was there was mutual
respect, ladies, most of them respect their husbands, they married them. And the husband loved the wife. And look, ladies, a 19-year-old woman
and a 19-year-old man are two different things. If you have a 14-year-old daughter, she can baby-sit
someone's kids, that 14-year-old daughter can usually change a diaper, feed a
kid, assess what's going on in a situation. You do not want to leave a 14-year-old boy with your kids,
if you want to come home and find them alive. And what happens in the maturity process is, he's learning
what to do, the male is operating in a different arena, and it's so important,
and that is in the arena of respect. We have a different language. There are certain things as a young man, you learn not to say to another
man. I have two boys and two
girls, I watched them grow up. My
daughters would say things to each other my boys would never say to each
other. [I once heard my two
sisters in a verbal fight, and what they said to each other would make a sailor
blush, and we in the Navy knew how to swear and cuss.] The girls would call each other stupid,
and banter back and forth, even fight, and then they would make up, and hug and
kiss and talk, just you know. Whereas my boys would get to a point where it stops, they put on a
pokerface, because we've come to the edge of respect now, and if you go past
this, it may be a fist-fight, that's what might happen here. Because boys learn, you do not say some
things, and when you get married, what happens is, you get in an argument with
your wife, the husband starts to shut down and put on his pokerface. She thinks 'We need to talk this
out,' she moves
closer, he starts to walk away, she's thinking 'If you love me, how
could you do this?' He's thinking 'If she respects me, how can she say that to me? I'm going to save this situation, I'm just going to shut up and I'm
going to move away from her until things cool down.' He
has a completely different assessment of the situation. We learn as young boys, if you say that
you get punched in the nose. And
you get married and your wife says stuff to you, and you think 'I can't
believe she's saying that to me. If she were a guy I'd punch her right in the nose, I can't believe she's
saying that to me.' Because there's a completely different
value system, and you have to understand the code, so that your wife doesn't
leave you in complete disbelief. Without
love, it's hard I know ladies, for you to respond with respect. But without respect, it's hard for the
husbands to respond in love. If you don't understand that about
husbands, this is what Peter's saying, look, 'Do you have a husband whose
not living the way you want? He's
not doing what you think is spiritually correct? Then without your mouth, without nagging, with your life,
and with your reverence, chaste conversation, your godly lifestyle, pure
lifestyle, and your reverence,' same word that Paul uses, 'not just adorning
yourself with the outward stuff, he can see through that, but with the right
attitude of heart, approach that man, and live with that man, according to
God's instruction, do what's well.' Don't be
afraid, 'If I do this God's way, I'm in trouble, he'll step all over
me.' There's a test that this John Godham
said you can do, ladies. Someday
when your husband comes home from work, and you're sitting around the house,
and he's watching the news, and you're thinking 'I'd like to communicate
with a human being,' just walking by, say, 'You know, I was just thinking today about how much I
respect you, and just thinking all day about how much I admire you for the way
you live,' and just
walk away. [my wife, now my ex. never, ever said that to me, she went in the
opposite direction] He will follow
you around the house [laughter]. [ladies, you laugh, but it's true] He'll say 'What!? What
do you mean, why did you say that?' You know,
because it's like, if you go somewhere, to Europe or live in another country,
and you haven't heard English for five years, and all of a sudden you hear
somebody walking down the street talking English, you'll jump over a fence to
get to that person, that's your native tongue. 'Hey! Where you from? You speak English,' well you just spoke his native
tongue. He's going to jump over a
fence, 'You know honey, I respect you. I'm just thinking how much I admire you, you've worked so hard all these
years, you're provided,' and just walk away from him. He
will follow you around the house. Ask your husband, 'Honey, is that how you feel?' [I can tell you, that is how I felt.] And women are different, look, Martha said to Jesus, 'Lord,
carest thou not...?' She accused Jesus of not caring. So husbands, don't feel bad. 'you just let her sit there and
listen to the Bible study while I'm working? Don't you care, Lord?' Because, it
would have meant something different to her, if Jesus would have said to Mary 'Help
your sister.' And Martha would have thought, 'Well,
he loves me, he loves me.' You know, my wife speaks that language. She'll say to me in the afternoon, 'Do
you love me?' 'Yes.' When I come home from work, 'Do you love me?' 'Yes.' We
go to bed at night in the dark, 'Honey, do you love me?' 'Yes.' And I'm thinking 'I told you when we got married I loved you, I don't
understand why you need the constant reassurance here, what's the problem? I'm not getting this across?' You know, if you take a man, and you say to your husband, 'Honey,' ask a hundred men, 'when you go to
work, would you rather have your associates at work love you or respect you?' Your husband's going to laugh at you. It's a different language. He thinks about it in a completely different way. You know, it's interesting, coaching,
there's this honor thing. And I
watched Mike come back with our football team, and he's got this remarkable
ability to say to the guys, 'I would go to battle with you, I'd go to war
with you guys.' And all these young guys, 'Yeah, go
to war, go to battle.' You know, I forget, it was like 85
percent of the people that ran into the Trade Towers when they were burning
were men. It's just because
there's something, there's this code, there's something, honor is as important
as life itself, and without a lot of thought, running into a situation like
that. So a good coach is able to
take a team, and make the team believe that he respects them, even though they
don't respect themselves. A
general or a drill instructor will get a group of men and say, 'You guys are
the most pitiful group of, but I know what's in you, I'm going to make soldiers
out of you, there's something, you don't even know what's there, I see what's
there, I know the potential, I'm going to do this,' you know, enabling them in that
coaching. And the same thing's
being said here, 'Likewise you wives, be in subjection to your own
husbands, that if any obey not the written Word, they're not doing what you
think they should do, they also may, without a word, without you wearing
them down with your opinion, be won by the lifestyle of their wives, while they
behold, they watch your godly lifestyle, coupled with reverence,' that's our same word in Ephesians
5:33. You know, isn't it
interesting, again, that all wives know the Greek word for what they want from
their husbands, 'Honey, you're supposed to love me.' 'Well what kind of love, physical
love? You mean, want to be
buddies?' 'No, no, agape!' Wives [in the church] know that word. 'You're supposed to agape' me.' Well do wives know the word for "reverence" in the
Greek? 'I don't need to know
that word!' Isn't it interesting, now look, Kathy
and I years ago went for counseling, we were going through a difficult
situation over 20 years ago, wasn't last week, don't worry, and it was
something we were going through, it was very difficult, it was in our family,
it wasn't in our marriage, but it effected our marriage directly and we went
and talked to a counselor. And it was interesting even then, that counselor
said to us, 'Look, you have to learn what love means to your wife, and you have to learn
what love means to your husband.' You
have to learn what love means to your wife, and you [wives] have to learn what
love means to your husband. And
there's so many books on love and loving one another, and there's a constant
emphasis on that. And he said,
correctly, and he was trying to say this, love means something different
to your husband than it does to you. To you, Joe,
love is a book, and to Kathy, love is a piece of paper. And you're saying to Kathy, 'Honey,
I've booked you,' and
she saying, 'So what, I want to be papered.' And she's saying 'I papered you, and you're saying 'so what, I want
to be booked.' Because it's a different nomenclature,
a different value-system [between men and women and husbands and wives]. And the truth is, the New Testament and
the Scripture doesn't instruct wives to agape' their husbands, it instructs
wives to reverence their husbands. Not because, look, love is the air that a woman breathes. God understands that, that's her value system. And so there's a commandment to for husband to agape' their
wives, to love their wives sacrificially. And sometimes I know a wife feels like 'My husband's standing on my
hair, I can't breathe, the big
klutz just came in and stepped all over me, he's not loving me. Love is the environment, the air that I
breathe.' Well, on the other side of that, respect
is the air that a man breathes. [and without it, he only feels half a
man.] There's a different value
system altogether. And the wife
wants unconditional love from her husband, that's agape-love, we know the word,
it's unconditional. 'You're
supposed to love me, the way Christ loved the Church, laid down his life,
that's what you're supposed to do, it's unconditional, it's sacrificial, that's
what I need, unconditional love.' Why? Because the wife's not perfect. She needs unconditional love. Well the husband needs unconditional
respect. You know, we want to draw, we want to
use different weights and balances to where, 'Oh yeah, the wife gets
unconditional love, but the husband,' you'll hear a wife say, 'Well, I love him, but I don't respect him.' Now how do you think the wife would feel if she heard the husband say 'Well,
I respect her, but I don't love her.' That would be devastating, it would be
devastating. I am not naive, I'm
not saying that every husband deserves respect. I'm not saying there isn't abuse. There are times when a marriage is not going to succeed. A husband who lays his hand on his
wife, who is abusive, who is unfaithful to his wife, I understand there are
some circumstances [for divorce]. We are looking here at Christian marriages, where the husband and wife
are still together, where they both say Christ is the Lord of my life, and they
want that marriage to succeed. [I
have to disagree with you here a bit Pastor Joe, the context of 1st Peter 3:1-6 here is about a Christian wife who is potentially married to a
non-believer, as well as this applying to a total Christian marriage, where
both are believers. But Peter's
focus is on the first scenario, that of a believing wife with a non-believing
husband.]
Why God Wants
Stable, Loving Marriages
And
Malachi says one of the reasons that a marriage is supposed to succeed is God
is looking in that marriage for a godly seed. That successful marriages produce something in the
generation that comes out of them, that is a reward to the Lord. That children need to grow up, if they
can, with the covering of a mom and a dad. And ladies, I'll tell you something else, if you're raising
boys, no one is going to have to coach your boy when he starts to become 17 and
18, and say to your son, 'Now, when mom treats you disrespectful, I want you
to get a pokerface, just stonewall her, learn this carefully, you're only four
years old now, I just want you to know when you're 17-years-old, if your mother
nags you, or she's disrespectful, then you just get a pokerface, just stonewall
her. Ok?' 'ok dad' You don't have to tell them that. They're going to do that! I've watched my sons grow to manhood, and I've watched them
go through the changes where mom takes care of them and gives them care, and
all of a sudden this testosterone, this man-thing starts to kick in, and they
start to become young men. And
they do the same thing, without being trained! You give them 'nag, nag, nag, nag!' Stonewall, Stonewall Jackson. I mean, it's just there. It's part of, God made them male and female, there's something to
respect about that. There's
something in design there in the genius of God that makes a man different from
a woman, with a different value system. You know, it's funny, I can go through three services on Sunday, I can
have 8,000 people tell me 'That was a great sermon!' And if I go home and my wife says 'Why did you say that? That was really dumb.' It's all gone, it's just all gone, it's all dissipated, it's all
gone. 'Don't shake your hand
with your keys in your pocket, that's all you heard? 8,000 people said they
enjoyed it, and now you tell me...' We are that vulnerable to one another,
and we are that open to one another, that in my life her respect means
everything, her respect means everything. She says to me 'I love you honey.' great... I know I'm supposed to respond a
certain way, we'll get there next week. I mean, I look at her and think, 'I want to do this right, because if
I don't it'll cost me two days of my life here.' But you know, it means something different if she says 'You know
Honey, I really respect you, I have a question, God raised you up, you're the
pastor of this church, and I need some advice,' man, I'm there! Pumps me up, I'm there! I'm ready to talk! That's amazing, isn't it? I'm ready to talk. And it's the same thing with her. You know, you raise daughters, it's the
same thing, they become young women. You can't lecture them, on the ground of respect, fathers, you have to
step close to them, and you talk. You do that with your wife when she's mad. Part of the empirical evidence, it's very interesting,
because John Godham tells you they hooked up electrodes, they studied blood
pressure, and in an argument between a husband and a wife, if in the argument,
the husband walked away from the wife, her blood pressure went up, if he
stonewalled her. If he took a step
close to her, and said 'Honey, I love you, let's talk this out.' Her blood pressure dropped right down. Because to her it's not arguing, it's talking it out. On the husband's side, if the wife kept
getting closer and closer and just kept talking when he decided 'The
honorable thing to do is shut up so I don't hurt anybody, I'm a man, that's the
honorable thing to do, just shut down,' and she kept after him, his blood pressure went up. If the wife said 'Honey, we'll talk
later,' and went away
and gave him his space, his blood pressure dropped down. Isn't it interesting? I'm sorry, that's interesting to
me. [laughter] But the point is, and it's hard for me
sometimes, pray for me. Pray for
my wife. Because there are times I
don't want to step closer and say 'Let's talk,' I want to cool off, I want to go for a
walk. Manslaughter's not an
option. [laughter] 'Have to get out of here, I'll be in
the paper if I don't.' You know the way it cooks in me, it's
no different. But I know if I step up and say 'Honey, I'm sorry, let's
talk.' Everything seems to go along. A soft answer turns away wrath
[Proverbs], the wisest man in the world would say. Remarkable, sometimes on Sunday night I'll come home, you
know by Sunday night, four services I've been through on Sunday, I've talked to
thousands of people, and I'll come home, and I'm finally quiet, and I'll sit
down. [laughter] And my wife will
start to talk to me about something, I'll look at her, and she'll say, 'I
understand, we'll talk tomorrow.' And she'll go away, and I'll go 'ahhh.' Ladies, if you have an unbeliever for a husband, what the Scripture
teaches is you're not going to make headway by nagging him. That's God's design. You can respect that, you can never
have reverence to your husband without reverence for God. You know, I see ladies with their
husbands unsaved, he's a good man, he works hard, he keeps the home, he does
his best, and there's really a chance to win that individual to Christ. Peter, Paul and Solomon said the way
you do that, is if you're wise with your attitude, you adorn yourself, don't
wear him down, he's not a lady, he doesn't want to have a conversation like a
lady. I'll tell you this, I spoke
once at the Women's Retreat with my wife, and you know those big round tables
where the ladies eat lunch, when guys eat it's different in the Men's Retreat,
but there's 8 or 10 ladies sitting at a table, and they're all talking. There's 8 conversations going on at one
time, and they all know what's happening in all of the conversations. You go to the Men's Retreat, and
there's 8 guys at one table, and one guy says 'Did you see the Eagles last
week?' and the other
seven guys go 'Ya,' it's just one thing at a time, I mean
it has to be that way, just communicative skill is on the side of the brain
where 'ok, we got the facts, somebody else want to add to that?' 'Oh, I really liked Owens,' 'oh,' 'What do you think?' you know, it just kind of goes around the table like a
snail, kind of, but everybody's tuned in, it's just vastly different. You have a husband whose not a
believer? Don't badger him. You have a husband who is a believer,
and you're not happy with his performance or what he's doing? Don't nag him, Peter says. There's order. Christ himself was submitted to
order. There's government order,
there's order in employment, likewise, there is to be order in the home. And if you're serious about Jesus
Christ, then you understand that your marriage is not just an arena that has
been built for your personal happiness. Your marriage is another arena that God's going to use to conform you
into the image and the likeness of his Son. And he says likewise, like Jesus, he didn't open his mouth,
he didn't revile, he didn't lash back with his tongue to those who falsely
accused him. Likewise wives, if
you have a husband who you feel like you can't deal with? Jesus can deal with him. And he's got a road-map on how to do
that. And it isn't by violating
his ears, it's by letting him let something into his eyes of his own will. Live the right way, act the right way,
have the right attitude, be reverent [respectful], not because you're reverent
of him, because you're reverent of God, and you will make miles of progress
that you wouldn't make in your own scheme. Next week we're going to get the husbands. Ladies, please bring your
husbands. We're just going to beat
them up next week. But look, I am
very serious about this. I think
that we do enough marriage counseling around here. Every year in my Bible class I have kids from broken
homes. And look, because of Jesus
Christ, they can succeed and do remarkable things for God. Because of Jesus Christ, they can be
good husbands and good wives. Because of Jesus Christ, as he works redemption, many of us come with
broken homes, many of us come from broken homes. There are enough in the church
that struggle and decide to get divorced, and it's always a tragedy. There are many that come to us and get
saved because they're in the pain of divorce. God is able to work redemption in all of those
circumstances, and receive us into glory, cleansed, pure, not failing, but
successful because of what Jesus has done on our behalf. But that same one who laid down his
life and bled his life into the ground on the cross, says to us through Peter, 'ladies,
this is the way to reach that man, because I've ascended into heaven, and when
I did I took my mouth with me, and I can reach that man by speaking to his
heart through my Holy Spirit. And
if you will let me use your life, I can make you a visual demonstration of my
love for this lost world and for him. If you're willing to do well, and not be troubled with ungodly fear,' 'Well what if I trust God, and what
if it doesn't work?' No, no, no, this is a foolproof system,
as far as the Lord is concerned, and these are the things he asks. Next week, the husbands. Make them come out, tell them Terrel
Owens is going to be here next Wednesday night, tell them Elvis is going to be
here, whatever you want, just bring them out and we'll work through the next
part of this. Extremely important
because he says "Likewise ye husbands," and he's going to require certain things on that side of
this. And to me the husband is to
be the leader in the home. The
husband is the one that's to be the servant and the example and the
initiator. It's easy to say. It's easy to say, and honey if you hear
the tape I'm really trying. But
the ownice is on us for certain things. So, let's pray...[connective expository sermon on 1st Peter
3:1-6, given by Pastor Joe Focht, Calvary Chapel of Philadelphia, 13500
Philmont Avenue, Philadelphia, PA 19116]
related
link:
http://www.HOWMARRIAGEWORKS.COM
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